Thank you everyone. It means so much that you've taken the time to see their photos. it's actually healing. It is always wonderful to see people still replying to my original post from awhile back.

Quito has been in my freezer since January. For one reason or another I haven't taken him for cremation. i wanted to see him a couple of times. it freaks my brain out though because he looks asleep! it's like my brain can't compute the visual with the reality. i partly wanted to look to help me accept reality. A couple of peeks has been enough though. i scheduled an appointment for this Thursday the 19th for Quito's cremation. I see how much i've been actually glad that different obstacles kept coming up that kept me from going sooner. because now a part of me is anxious about taking him and not having his body. but i know it's time. he needs to be released. i'm doing this for him.

i'm all about ritual and symbolism. so i cremated Taño on the new moon in june of 2012 near the summer solstice. Quito will be cremated on the full moon near the autumnal equinox. The fact that they're cremations are happening on opposite moons and near seasonal changes makes me feel happy.

The place I took Taño and where i'm taking Quito was great. all the staff are very gentle and kind. i was able to do a brief memorial for Taño with music and candles and symbolic words... they even let me cut a corner out of my own baby blanket to burn with him. i'll do everything almost identically with Quito. i was able to be with Taño thru the whole process. it is part of my grief process being involved in every step. it's just also part of how i take care of them. i know probably a lot of it is wanting control on my part and i'm fine with that. if there is one thing i'm NOT going to let go of until i absolutely have to is being present with my boyz thru every possible moment...

Taño's cremation was hard because it his death was sudden, and it was a first. Quito's cremation will be hard because of what his living past his brother came to mean to me. Quito's death and cremation makes this loss so painfully real and i'm faced with an empty house without them (even though i swear i still see and hear them in the background. each time that happens the grief hits another level. reality slaps me in the face each time i THINK i hear/see them. Qutio helped cushion the blow. He helped ease the transition. I just realized that he always played that role. not sure what to call it. (if you have any ideas what to call this dynamic that Quito played in our lives, please share.) Quito wasn't "planned adoption". I hadn't planned on adopting two kitties. I knew I wanted a brown tabby cat. That was/is Taño. And there was Quito, his brother in the same cage, looking soooooo cute! I couldn't separate them. And the rest is herstory He was the "unplanned" kitty and turned out to be more than I could ever have imagined! He was/is my little buddha. My angel. Taño was/is my kindred spirit...

i made a pillow with tons of their photos. one side of the pillow has a brown background with Taño's photos. The other side has a pink background (for Quito's precious pink toe pads) with Quito's photos. earlier last week i sobbed and sobbed into the pillow. i'm very happy i have it. i plan on sewing some of their ashes and fur into the inside of the pillow. i'm going to make a smaller pillow to take when i travel. today i bought some super plush pieces of material ... and guess what colors?? one is deep brown like Taño's gorgeous toe pads and the other piece is pink for Quito. Not sure what i'll do with them but something will come to me.

i also have a couple of East Indian pendants that i can open and put things inside. i just obviously want to hold onto them as much as i can, even if just symbolically... i am comforted by all my rituals.

i imagine the final step will be when i sprinkle their ashes into the ocean... And THAT event is for some unknown date in the future...... i'll know when the time is right....

I LOVE YOU QUITO! I LOVE YOU TAÑO! I MISS YOU BOTH SOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!
I know you're with me every day. I just miss touching you, holding you, burying my face into your fur and taking a deep breath of each of your scents... I'm afraid time will erase too much from my mind!!!!!! I'm so sorry I didn't go with you like we'd planned. I'm not sure yet why that happened. Maybe I'll know one day... I wish we had all gone together but i could never bring myself to making that happen. I was so afraid of all the possible consequences. I was afraid of the unknowns... But now you know, and i remain open to all your messages... please help me hear you!
Love, momma