It feels strange writing what I'm about to write on an open forum! But I've been looking for online Help and I can't even find out what my problem is to get help!

For the first 16 years of my life all I knew was pain! My drunk father beat me. My stepfather beat me the kids at all the schools I went to beat and mocked me! For the moment I woke up I feared every minute! Yes there were good times I'm not denying that! My mum was amazing as we're my grand parents. But most of it was pain. I'm 42 now and 5 years ago I had a mental and physical break down. I thought I had dealt with it all then. But my anger and images of the past that constantly run through my heart and mind have just lost me the greatest woman to ever enter my life! She is such a gentle soul and my out bursts and sarcasm and dry humour at everything was just to much for her! Right now I feel my life is totally lost within a black cloud of depression and self loathing! But I know I can't let this take control I have to sort myself out but I don't even know where to start! Trying to get even an emergency appointment at my gp is virtually impossible! I'm hyper active have a high metabolism so I sleep very little. I can not and never have been able to shut my mind down. The list of that's that I could write here is endless! I was and still am an alcoholic because of my past! It was an escape from the images in my mind! Oblivion in drink was much easier to cope with. I've been dry now since the 5th Dec 2012! And I'm extremely proud of myself for that fact! But I cannot carry on hurting myself mentally and those I love! If anyone out there can offer me any advice in on my knees and begging! !!! Thank you for reading.