Sorry this is long, I've spent hours cutting it down.

My heart is heavy, I've been through a lot in the past year. I not only misunderstand myself and my behaviors, but I am also not getting the mental or emotional support that I need. Those closest to me have begun to look at me with nothing but strife (I cost money to have around), and today I have felt more alone than I have ever been. I feel that I need a change of scenery before I can move forward, and I can't get that staying in a bedroom. My bedroom is a bubble and I'm a complete germophobe about the things in it.

I'm 2.5 years unemployed for reasons too deep for others to comprehend, with no idea how to get myself on a career path. Born living with my parents, I have grown up away from all other family.. and even they don't seem to acknowledge my existence. My younger sister has already moved out and lives with a fiance. The closest thing I get to love or compassion is pornography, yet the feeling I have after orgasm is next to nothingness.

My parents don't understand me either, and I often wonder if they really care. My mom is as stubborn as they come, cannot listen worth a flip, investing all her efforts into Facebook and playing Zynga games with some guy she met on the site. My dad is old-school.. so much so, I cannot relate to him or the family name that I have been brought up with. He works himself hard and is often very self-centered about it. Money is one thing there never seems to be enough of; within the past few months I have felt the need to see a hospital because of a health related issue, but am expected to suffer through them because there just isn't any money. Some of my most traumatic events have occurred due to these circumstances.

A month ago I sought a psychologist for help, and have only been lucky enough to find an intern. Using EAP (Employee Assisted Benefits), I've only got 8 free visits to see him. I recently had my 5th visit, and am feeling hopeless about any treatment. I can't seem to keep my stories straight, I'm always bouncing around and/or having to remind him of past events to help him make sense of my condition.

At this point, I really just want to get away from everything, but I have no idea where to go. Part of me wants to visit my faraway family, but I'm reluctant at the same time because I usually feel like a third wheel whenever any family comes to visit.. I don't have a lot to talk about except problems. I have pondered the idea of a mental hospital, but that place seems more like a prison than a place of solitude and reconstruction.