Your not worthless. You matter and I'm glad your hear. I really needed someone to post to today. I spent almost two weeks mostly sleeping . I was convinced I wanted to die and hacked off that I feel obligated to stay here. I just came from my nephews bday party. I spent the day with my own family and still i felt like i didn't belong. I despise so much about my life but i had an epifiney ( not sure spelling) when I was lying in bed the other night. I thought back ( as i often do) to five yrs ago when my husband lay dying as i was staring down the barrell of a gun. I remember from a young teen always wanting to die and hating life. And here it was my chance to leave this earth but did i beg to die, no. I begged like a dog for my life and i prayed and begged with all i had and guess what the gun jammed. I've been in so much pain losing my husband , dealing with ptsd, dealing with my now worse depression. I've asked for death many times these past five yrs. But as i lay there the other night it came to me. I don't really want to stop breathing , I just want this life i have to end. I'm not happy. In fact i am miserable. My way of life is not working for me so I have to end it. I will set out to change everything i have in my power that is reasonable to change. What I don't have in my power i will seek the help to change it. From small to big. This life will end but i will go on breathing and I hope you will go on breathing as well. Do you have a dry erase marker? Or a sticky note pad? Write positive messages on the mirror. Stuff like you matter, you deserve a life, you are beautiful etc. Read them every day. You may not beleive them at first but hopefully over time they will replace that negative voice. Again I'm glad your here. I hope i made sense,sometimes i ramble. Please keep posting. Much love and prayers, J