What really upsets me is that I did meet that guy who did actually listen to me and respected me, but I lost contact with him because I was afraid that he was afraid of me/didn't like me. I'm almost positive he's moved on. I'm afraid to find out 100% for sure. That and if he has and I tell him how I really feel, then he'll just feel bad.

Even if by chance I were to run into him again, unless he sees me I won't get to talk to him ever again, as I get too nervous and I just run away. It's been too long to just text him or call him out of the blue.

And if he had moved on/doesn't feel the same way (or never felt the same way) it would break me more than I already am. I'm afraid of what I'd do to myself—knowing how bad my self harm will get is scarier than the actual risk of rejection (and I'm terrified of rejection).