Move forward to what though? Who else is there going to be? I know it must sound weird, but he was such an anomaly that I honestly thought for a while that he was real and that I had been hallucinating very vividly (I wasn't stable at the time). I was afraid to ask anyone if he was real for obvious reasons. And I do think he is real, but still...there isn't anyone else like that. And especially not someone I'm attracted to because I'm very rarely attracted to men. That's why it's uncomfortable, I feel like the attraction is going to have to be forced. If someone were to like me, I couldn't say no. Why wouldn't I at least give them a chance...but then that means I have a fear of being liked by someone that I don't like.

That was it. That was my last chance. I had already decided to never like anyone ever again (or if I did, erase it as soon as possible and avoid the person), and I had decided that he was my last chance. And because I had also resolved to never express my feelings again, I never told him anything.

I'm not sure if you fully understand my fear of rejection...I didn't want to be graphic but I have a long history of self-harm and I will injure myself...probably very badly. And there's no one to take me to the hospital or call 911 if I need it. And except for my neighbor who borrows money from me...no one will come looking for me. I wouldn't be found for weeks...that's the worst part. Even friends that I hang out with on a regular basis wouldn't even think anything of it if they didn't hear from me for weeks. I don't have the support system to get back into contact with him...and people on here isn't enough, unfortunately. I need someone in person to make sure I won't hurt myself.