Thusly, as the title reads; I do NOT belong. And it's starting to get difficult for me now.

I've always been like this since I was about 9; just feeling I was somehow 'different' from most other kids, I have no idea why or how, it's just how I felt. I had separation anxiety- I think, and didn't go to junior school for a week no idea why, the other kids weren't like this :/

I also had problems in high school I never felt close to anyone and I was constantly bullied. The friends I did make used to ***** about eachother alot, play mind games with me, ignore me, play 'piggy in the middle' with me when they fell out with eachother etc...

I spend my time doing solitary pursuits.

Apparently I may have aspergers but I doubt it; many of the people I know who have aspergers are very social!! I think I am just a loner.

Another thing is, I also don't feel like I fit in because of all this beauty business that alot of girls aged 18-20 something are into...fashion and whatnot...It just doesn't interest me :/ I also feel more tomboyish & although I do NOT wear men's clothing at all I do FEEL tomboyish in my head & tend to prefer casual clothing to anything high street or too 'glossy' lol. Then again I don't know if this is because I feel I'm not 'pretty' enough to bother with fashion too much...or what You know I get told I am stunning etc but, you know I never believe it
I've lost drastic interest in eating or drinking properly or much at all tbh or doing the things I used to enjoy way back in high school (about 6 years ago now). Just feels pointless. It all does :/ dunno why though and that's what I'm asking..... :/

IMPORTANT NOTE: I DID have a condition which caused me a lot of grief at school. I was phobic of using the potty so held my poop in when I was being potty trained. Needless to say I got impacted quite a bit, overflow diarrhea, & had leaks in pants (had to wear pads) which other kids found out about...Then when I moved to high school the kids from my Junior school told everyone in High school -__-'

It's better nowadays, I don't get impactions, overflow or leaks (just skidmarks sometimes). I hardly take my Movicol I was prescribed a year ago and Dr Pepper, caffeine & hot water seem to help. I've been every day this week. BUT it can sidetrack sometimes out of the blue and I won't go for a day or two- or is that just normal? BUT the memories of the trauma (and for a young kid it WAS a trauma) are still at the back of my head. THAT's why I feel so isolated from people I think, I mean I would anyway but...all that made it worse...

I got really worried a few months ago because I read up about megacolon (think that's what I have from all the holding I did as a kid) and it looks awful & scary and worried me still slightly does. Anything to do with diarrhea does (I took a pill which made me gush like a waterfall when I was 6-needless to say I was traumatized of diarrhea after), I have to have a rectal exam so doctors can see if I can be diagnosed with slow transit bowel or megacolon but I'm too yucky and nervous to go I hate things up my bum, I have no problem things coming OUT, just can't cope with things going UP it (I had an enema put up a reluctant 7 year old me and think that ALSO traumatized me).

THEN AGAIN maybe I should just stfu and just DO IT. :L