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Originally Posted by Open Eyes
The kind of anger and frustration and acting out that you are discussing here is more "common" in men then women.
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Possible, I think in reality many women do not act physically violent or physically punish their victims. They abuse their victims psychologically, they still have anger problems. My mom is a clear cut example of this, she was the most angry person I know besides me, she psychologically abused me, emotionally neglected me and physically attacked me when she was drunk on several occasions. I've also had a couple of ex's that would like to get physical with me. Another reason why I've been single for so long, I'm afraid of being hurt again by the people I love because this triggers deep seated feelings of worthlessness and abandonment inside of me.
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In order for you to "gain a handle" on this deep anger that puts you at "risk" of acting out "in destructive ways" is "you have get to the bottom of this anger and TALK AND TALK IT OUT WITH A PERSON ON THE OTHER END OF THIS DISCUSSION THAT CAN VALIDATE YOU IN A WAY WHERE YOU FINALLY FEEL YOUR DEEP FRUSTRATION IS "HEARD" AND "UNDERSTOOD".
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I don't feel like I will ever be heard, my core personality rarely comes out and is always hidden behind a layer of a polished "everything is okay" veneer. Primarily my baseline is depressed and depressing. Nobody wants to be around that, not even me. I think I handled the situation as best as I could. I could've acted out in more destructive ways, I had the impulse to throw the bricks and rocks at random people's cars driving down the street but controlled myself and did not act out.
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You need to get to the point where you understand this on a "very different" level then you do now. For example, lets say you are trying to "fix" an engine that is broken and no matter what you do, the engine isn't working right. Well, often what most men will do is get so angry and frustrated they "destroy the engine". However, if someone else who knew how to actually "fix" what is wrong and stepped in and showed you and discussed how they too at one point was stumped, you would "learn" something and that "frustration and anger" would dissipate and you would gain a sense of "having more control".
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That sounds like me and my life right now, trying to fix it and no matter what I do it isn't working right. I'm too self-destructive, deep down in side most of my hatred is directed at myself since I grew up angry and hateful. Now the objects of my hatred (parents) are gone out of my life the hatred is turned inwards or vaguely outwards towards the rest of the world. Just like you have to love yourself to love somebody else. You truly have to hate yourself to hate anybody else.
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You need to "understand how the human brain really works" instead of consistently making these decisions to "act out" and do things that are "non productive and are destructive".
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I do understand how it works, my brain is severely damaged. The parts of the brain that process emotions and thinks rationally is damaged and growth was stunted at a very early age. I never stopped having temper tantrums after the terrible twos. Deep down I am nothing more than a wounded child in a grownups body.
https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/is...nt/effects.cfm
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For example; when you experienced that group of kids in their car that gave you a dirty look and threw you the finger, "you reacted" to a point where your desire was to be "destructive" towards them. You reacted so badly that you were driven to "pursue" them and "punish them" for how they reacted to you.
The reality of that situation is that these "punks" are not much different then you because they also have no real mentor to help them channel their energy towards "being productive" and "gaining on their sense of control". Therefore, the circuits are
reacting in the brain to go into "defensive" mode through a more "physical" means, where as that would not happen if "real problem solving and knowledge of "what this means" was actually in place in these male brains.
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I agree they are not much different me. At least they aren't much different than how I was, after the adrenalin started to wear off I started thinking more rationally. I told myself that these miscreants aren't going to go much further than I have in life. My parents claim I was planned but I grew up feeling like an accident. I have told my mother repeatedly during my upbringing that I wish she would've just had an abortion because my life has been so miserable.
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What you have "unknowingly" learned to do is react based on some very "primitive" instincts that human males were designed to have for "survival". It isn't just "you" that is challenged with this either. Human males are hardwired to "act" and control, and unfortunately "actually being able to "reason" instead is not so easy". This is why we have "never" been able to do away with "war".
Look at what is happening now with the conflict going on between the US and Syria.
We are dealing with a man "Assad" that tends to "act out and destroy innocent people" by using "poisonous gas". This is a leader who is really "acting out of fear and frustration" and he has very "poor" reasoning skills. He "hates" and "reacts" to the US just as you do with those "punks". You don't really "know" these "punks" or their background story either, you just see "red". You are operating in "defense" mode constantly and until you take the time to "dig into this problem" and understand it with "more reasoning skills" and I emphasize "skills" because "skills" are slowly learned, you will remain in "ready for confrontation mode".
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You're right, I guess their story was just as bad as mine with **** parents, **** friends, bullied in school, molested as kids, hated by their mother and physically/psychologically abused by their drunken parents. This lead them into a life of crime which damns them to an eternity of poverty and misery. Literal hell on earth.
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You most likely get "mean" with alcohol because you "cannot relax and just let go", even though you would like to and often need to because "ready for confrontation mode is mentally and physically exhausting".
OE
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Actually the alcohol helped me the other night, I sat in my room all by myself listening to music, there was nobody to piss me off or push my buttons. It just made me walk funny and pee a lot. I also got a little dizzy, nothing compared to the complete loss of reality my former drugs of choice would provide me. I had dreams that I relapsed on drugs and was having sex with people I shouldn't be (other people's wives). Usually when I get mean with alcohol its because I'm hanging out with people and they disrespect me in some way. This crushes my fragile, small ego and makes my self esteem plummet below 0. It triggers my inner bully to come out and team up with them to make me feel even more embarrassed and helpless. When I feel trapped into a corner I am dangerous because that primal survival instinct tells me inflicting pain on somebody is the only way I'm going to be able to survive until tomorrow.
Like I said I've been handling things much better, I haven't actually fought anybody in a long while. Even when they were provoking it, I've been in physical fights with women to. Particularly my mother because she would get drunk and start punching me in the face and pushing me around getting all up in my face and yelling. My fight or flight reaction is delayed, after I already have a couple lumps on my head my adrenalin takes over my limbic system and I start fighting back without care for the consequences. That's why I was kicked out of her house when I was 13 and have been homeless numerous times. Because I defended myself against her abuse and didn't just take a beating like a good slave. I would often black out during these times and not remember any of the details of what I did to her. She claims I knocked her teeth out and broke her nose, I still don't want to believe that I did such things. Part of me knows it is physically possible, but the other part of me knows that she is an exaggerator and a lying sack of ****.