Thank you kris... what you said is EXACTLY what I'm feeling. It would be so easy to dismiss them as monsters... which is why sometimes on the board here I describe them as so. And every once in a while I like to balance that, because my descriptions are a sort of venting for me... just "pretending" they are monsters and getting validation of such from others, but in the long run they don't deserve that.

One thing for me about delayed replies has been that as I was sinking into depression I took more and more offense at that, even though I knew there was nothing behind it, I was convincing myself that they were doing it intentionally, and moreover, doing it only to me (i.e. as if they reply to everyone else promptly and let mine sit.) See my own novel about "patterns" in the thread "deserving to be lonely?"

When I got out of the hospital I fought very hard to get past that, very successfully. Instead of waiting for calls to "prove" that they loved me I would call them if I wanted to talk. My calls were accepted very well, they were happy to hear from me. They weren't staying away because they didn't care, they were staying away because they did care, and all the signals I had been giving out over the past months had been that I didn't want contact, that I wanted people away from me while I dealt with this... and they were respecting my wishes. I know I do give off that vibe even though I think I am consciously saying otherwise, my "body language" so to speak was saying otherwise.

Over the course of recovery though I had some long open talks with the people I thought would most understand. I told them flat out what I wanted and what I needed, and that any "signs" otherwise that they might read into things were just the depression. They seemed very sincere and understanding. One of my biggest requests was not that they make sure they visit, just that they try to visit and if they have to cancel to CONTACT ME AND LET ME KNOW and they still can't seem to do that. Maybe in their minds now it is easier to just not ever make any plans with me or accept any invitations rather than to try to keep that simple promise.

With regard to the invite from your friend, I think you should try to make it there if you can. Do you really think that he wants something, or is that just the depression thinking things out for you? Without knowing him or the situation, it seems plausable that 3 weeks had past where he was occupied with other things, and then realized that it had been a while since he spoke to you, and decided to invite you to dinner to make up for it. Also consider the future with this friend... if you don't accept it will probably put the kibosh on future offers, not necessarily resentment, but because he will think that is not an appropriate "apology" or peace offering, and so he may just end up at a loss over what to do.

Also if he does want something from you, it may make you feel better to face him with that... tell him how that makes you feel that he only calls when he wants something. Better than stewing over it. That's what I did with my friend, and although it seems now that I got little results from that, the act itself did make me feel much better. Now at least I know it is "out there" and that he understands.

I know it may be too difficult for you to face him, even if you agree with me 100%, depression makes it too hard to "believe" and impossible to "act". But if it is something possible to do I hope you will consider trying to see him.

Another thing to consider is that no matter how incredibly pissed off and hurt I am at this particular friend, the fact is when I do see him I always feel better. Even during the visit with the confrontation. I am still stuck from doing anything about this (like calling him and asking for an explanation) but in a large way I am hurting myself even more by not allowing myself to see him.

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