I want to introduce myself. I really do. But I was anxious/manic all last night and I am having trouble finding the strength to tell my story. Its a stupidly long one. I am hoping that if i can get myself started writing, that the strength will come.

I am a 30 yr old singe mother of a 5 year old boy and 11 year old girl. I am a full time teacher at an online high school and a full time graduate student in a neuroscience program. I am going to be a clinical neuropsychologist one day. I decided yesterday that i don't care how long this illness makes it take, I will make it there someday. I am an artist, poet, singer and i find my stillness when I am in the woods and mountains. I have had anxiety (separation/general) and panic disorder my whole life. By age 7 I had PTSD and the traumatic events didn't stop until I was about 25. My mom has Obsessive compulsive personality Disorder. My dad has BP2 and GAD. My grandmother who pretty much raised me half of the time has BPD. My older brother has DID, BPD, and almost everyone in my family has an IQ over 150...

I was injured (abuse) as a child on my lower spine and a car accident in 2010 finished the job and i was ALMOST paralyzed. I underwent 9 surgeries in 15 months and i am functional, but I have severe neuropathy and partial paralysis. When I was 8 I had my first break. It was kind of a psychosis. I just couldn't engage reality (PTSD). My step dad didnt want to put up with my tears, outbursts, or absentmindedness and so they decided to medicate me. I was on all kinds of meds but they just made everything worse. At age 9 I attempted suicide for the first time. My brother started hearing voices when i was six. He started blacking out and trying to kill me when I was 10. When I was 12 I was hospitalized. The pDoc, who was not my doctor, decided that I was ADD and despite the fact that my doc had found ritalin made me worse, put me on 120 mg/day (based on blood levels). I went crazy manic. Clawing my skin off of my arms, breaking people limbs, etc. They dosed me on 1500 mg of lithium a day and things just got worse and more confusing. I was set to transfer to the Texas state mental hospital, but After 6 months, they took me off those meds and just a low dose of prozac and i went home to the same old ****. In high school I was pretty successful top 2% of one of the highest ranked classes in the state, Art Choir, theater, latin etc... but it was hard and I have always had a hard time keeping friends. I'd withdraw for long periods of time but when i wasn't withdrawn i was so co-dependent that healthy people would pull away. I was on effexor from age 15-19 and when i was 19 I was a junior in college and double majoring in art and political science, in the honors program and working 50 hours a week. The stress broke me. I got pneumonia, passed kidney stones, had partial liver failure, i tried to kill myself and then I got pregnant to a squatter, all in about 6 weeks. My daughter was born the same semester I was supposed to be going to the UN for a peace studies internship. I had already canceled it, when i found out i was pregnant. My liver failed during my pregnancy and she was born 11 1/2 weeks early. I managed to finish school on time, but my mental state was verging on a break from reality. The condition was being worsened by a church that encouraged me to believe in the supernatural. I started having night terrors again and feelings that I was meant for something monumentally great. When i was 21, I graduated from college with a degree in cognitive psychology and a 3.4 GPA. My mom and step dad tricked me into giving them joint custody of my daughter (health insurance was their excuse) and things got really bad from there. I was exhausted, depressed, rapid cycling, pacing, sleeping in my closet, and i wanted psych help but after the trauma of ages 8-19 I had a panic attack every time i even discussed it with a doctor and eventually I couldn't even discuss that topic with docs.

It wasn't until after my car accident left me in so much pain that i COULD NOT keep my explosivity at bay and one day after lashing out at my kids they were cowering in a corner afraid of me that i decided the I had to suck it up and get help. I have been seeking help since april 2011 and was finally diagnosed with BP2 mixed episodes rapid cycling, PTSD, Panic Disorder, and a few borderline tendencies.... I am on 75 mg Lamictal pm, 15 mg buspar pm, 7.5 mg buspar am, 50-100 mg trazadone pm and I am currently switching from cymbalta to lexapro (the switch is terrible, im and faint, pail, ears ringing etc).