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Originally Posted by MotownJohnny
HNS, I feel for you, and I think we have many parallels. I any to post some thoughts in depth, but it will be later, I'm still working on reclaiming my disaster of a yard, and need to get some things done before the rain moves in.
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Thanks, this weather is dreary and probably contributing to my anhedonia. I hate this month and fall in general, it puts me back into a bad place. I was put out on the streets in the fall and lived outside during the coldest fall I've ever experienced. Temps went below freezing and I couldn't breathe, I barely slept.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes
" I grew up on violence, violent family, violent school environment, violent streets, violent friends, violent music, violent TV shows, violent video games, violent movies and violent porn." quote HealingNSuffering
This is your "original" programing, the "norm" of your environment as a child. If you think about it, you never really "knew" how to relax and "feel safe" basically, you grew up in constant hypervigilance.
I can relate to this, me too and it was very hard for me to "relive" that part of my life when I developed PTSD. Yes, I was "always" looking over my shoulder, that was "normal" to me, I had no idea it was not really "normal" either.
The fact that you have come to realize that "talk therapy" has been helping is really what you need on a constant basis. You need to slowly "learn" how to talk things out verses "the constant aggression you grew up in". Hey, this is a skill and it isn't easy to develop it to a point where you "don't trigger and regress".
OE
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That's true, anytime exes would give me a back massage they would say I had "knots" and felt very tense in certain areas. I had no clue what they were talking about. My T also told me when I first started going there that my body language was very "tense" and uncomfortable looking. I was also suffering from an immense pain caused by muscle spasms and cramps that were squeezing my nerves and making them extremely sensitive to touch. You are right I was hypervigilant, I was also paranoid at a young age, I used to think my parents were poisoning my food. I used to feel like I had already lived a complete life before this one and my past life was extremely hard to. I watched my family abuse each other and there was a lot of animosity in my life from the start. I also had trouble breathing and grew up on steroids.
Always looked over my shoulder, always felt anxiety, that's why I couldn't concentrate in school was mostly anxiety partly ADD. I never had friends because I would get extremely anxious waiting for them to come over, or become very clingy when they would try to leave. Or we would be cool for a day or two then get into a physical fight. My whole life I longed for companionship and never had a stable relationship with anybody. The only true companions that ever stuck by my side are dead now because they were dogs, and I cried harder for them than I do when any human being dies even blood relatives. My whole life I've felt different from everybody else, our brains don't work the same way and they probably never will. I used to think anxiety was "just how it is" and didn't know that other people were not as uncomfortable as I was all the time.
I went looking through my childhood pictures and noticed that all the smiles were forced. It helped me remember some good times that I forgot about, but it also brought back some painful memories that were buried in the back of my mind. I never grieved much for the loss of my family members, except my dogs. I have a hard time feeling sorry for myself at all and started therapy with 0 self-compassion. I feel like when I do cry about this kind of stuff, I don't know what I'm crying for and have become a master at holding in my tears. When I cry, I do it until I get a migraine/tension headache from having such misery inside of me.