I figure I will post here, it can't hurt. I really do have feelings! In this lifetime I have survived many times, helped lots of people, and cared for and about many. I have come to understand myself and others, and recognize at last self-trust. It has been a time of reflection, listening, admitting...many things that are real. My own limitations for one, my own spirit's nourishment for the other.

I have been so angry and depressed for so long that my body armor warns people to "stay away" even on line. I don't know how to interact with others, I know this, and understand what causes, how come, and who and why.....that really has frustrated me for years. "Grow up" "get over it" "you are ABC, or XYZ" co-dependent, too independent, P....sd off at the world" "go volunteer" focus on someone else, go to therapy, hey, you're a mess, what the h... is wrong with you?!, "it can't be that bad," "you are too involved, you aren't involved enough,"

I have burned out physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, many times. I am tired of fighting. I am sending up my white flag of surrender for all to see it. I refuse to have conflict within myself or with others anymore. I literally am sick of being sick.

I am taking meds. The nightmares aren't as bad as they were once. And neither am I. LOL. I am a good person, I do care, to a fault at times...and as much anger that is there, there is just as much compassion and active loving in my bones.

I don't want anyone's "attention" or seeking "approval", if it seems that I am detached and somewhat aloof...that is probably true until I get to know someone....patience for b.s. is not my forte, I don't have the energy.

This voice I hear is a clear voice saying enough is enough. I am not a label,
and "not just like someone's target," when no one else is available....grrrrrr

It's been a very long and arduous two weeks, there is no where else I can turn for support. No, I am not in therapy, and yes I have been twice with horrific results.

It is my current belief that people do know when something is wrong in life, I did and tried to address it many times and many ways. And the bottom line that seems to ring true for me at least is We all get what we get. It is not some mystical thing to reach for or through it just is....what you already have.

Getting friendly and kind with all of myself is the present task, it has nothing to do with anything else, and I hope in some way that whatever I have said or done today will have made healing possible or at least a probable option for lightening up on themselves.

This is possibly the most honest I have been since I came the this sight.

Thanks. And well wishes.
Jade