This post has been a long time coming. I don't really know what is going on with me. Recently, after I masturbate, I get consumed with self hatred. It's not like I have any moral qualms with masturbation or watching porn and I'm not hating myself for having urges or acting on them. I just suddenly get so overwhelmed with hating my body that I have urges to destroy it. Everything about my body disgusts me and I feel so ashamed for being a woman with breasts and a vagina.

I don't know what is going on. This is something that has been happening for a little over a month now and I don't know how much longer I can take it. Maybe I just feel gross because I'm still a virgin and I don't think a man will ever want me or be attracted to me. But that isn't a new thing. I've felt that way for a long time. I'm 20 years old and I've never been kissed and it's not like I'm turning down offers. Literally no man has ever even hit on me. But I really want to resolve this because I really don't want to stop masturbating because it is so uncomfortable living without any sexual gratification but I also don't want to cut myself up afterwards.

I should add that I do not struggle with my gender identity. My parents would mock me for being female throughout my childhood and that is probably what is causing my shame about being a woman even though I do feel like a woman inside.