It's interesting how much similarity I'm noticing from person to person. For the longest time, even after I'd been diagnosed with depression and social anxiety disorder, I just thought I was lazy simply because I was still able to function sometimes. I guess I'm even harder on myself than I have ever realized since not only am I always hyper-critical of myself, but I have even been so willing to hate myself that it seemed better to yell at myself for being lazy than to admit that depression was the reason for my troubles.

I've been to so many older, world class musicians for lessons to try to figure out what the secret is, what I'm doing wrong, why I can't seem to reach this place that everyone seems to think is within my grasp. Yet, some of them have told me after hearing me play for a couple minutes that I don't need them and that they won't take my money because everything I'm doing is right and that all that is missing is my belief in who I am that will allow me to push on. One guy told me if he found out I was taking any more lessons, he'd kick my butt! Somebody else who I respected greatly essentially wouldn't give me the lesson that I came for at all...instead he just sat me down and told me that I seem depressed, that I will never be the musician I want to be unless I change the person who I already am...I told him that I didn't believe that I could ever be more than just ok, and he told me that he didn't know why I had come to him if that was the case...said that if I didn't believe that I could ever be great, then I never would be. It was harsh and went on for an hour and was almost the last day of my life and he really did not approach it in the right way because I was dangling by a thread already and very well could've been the last speech I was ever given. However, despite the overwhelming harshness of it all, he was absolutely right. I can see that the one thing I truly care about in life has been suffering for years due to the fact that I can't happily wake up every day and practice with a purpose...that I don't return phone calls out of fear that could potentially lead to a life changing connection. I've been trying to fix all these symptoms without ever admitting that they were being caused by a larger problem.