(((JaneC))),

I agree with Red Panda, this guy's statements "I would care about you if" is a red flag. This is not "just about weight" either, this is a person who will be "hard" on anyone he has a relationship with, if they don't follow "his control and opinions and needs".

I grew up watching my father "criticize" everything my mother did, her cooking, what she wore, how she decorated the home, what she chose to do with her time, everything. My mother is now in her late 80's and she has developed dementia, however, she has an exaggerated startle response whenever my father "comes in the house or enters the room". If she is on the phone, she says, "Oh, your father is coming I have to hang up". I remember being so frustrated and wanting to see my father just compliment her and be "nicer" to her instead of how he was so controlling and angry whenever she wanted to "just be free to express herself the way she wanted".

Right now you are working through your past and all the times when other people in your family or whatever sought to injure your self esteem and tell you "you need to please them by doing and being a certain way". It stressed you out so much that you turned to alcohol to escape and have a sense of some kind of emotional/psychological freedom.

I hope that you are attending AA meetings for support and following that program that helps you let go of the "frustration of somehow feeling you can never seem to "please" all these people.

Yes, you are right, struggling with PTSD and trying to understand it and slowly learn how to "manage it better" is very "challenging and exhausting at times". Yes, it is up and down in a way that others who are not challenged simply cannot relate or understand , which makes it even more difficult.

The "one thing you need to get rid of" in your life is getting involved with people who do "not respect your boundaries and insist you need to be XYZ to please them". You need to do this "without" telling yourself that you are a failure because you think you should be able to "push your own feelings aside to accommodate their needs".

Unfortunately, we live in a society where people develop "standards" to judge by that are not really tailored to "healthy and productive self esteem". It has gotten so
"unhealthy" that even the people who "seem to possess some kind of physical and materialistic perfection tend to also have "very unhealthy psychological challenges".

This guy that you are "struggling with" is "not" going to be someone that will "promote" your much needed sense of "well being" either. However, at this point in time with your effort to address this challenge with PTSD and work on your "healing" and "gaining new skills to slowly develop healthier thinking patterns is not far enough along where you are ready to "stand your ground" and walk away with confidence that you are making the right decision. Your thinking right now is "you are questioning yourself" with "are you a failure because what he is saying is bothering you"?

The answer to that last question is "no" you are not a failure because you do not want to spend your life trying to live up to what someone else wants you to be "for him". However, because you have been "subject" to this challenge by your own family members, that is "what you know". And what you are slowly beginning to recognize now by looking back on your life thus far, is that you were constantly "hurt" by these kind of people.

There is "no way" that you or anyone else will ever please others the way you have been raised. You can please "some of the people some of the time", but you "cannot please all the people all of the time". You need to learn how to "please yourself" and really build your sense of "self" where if other people don't "respect" that and "insist" you need to change to "please them", it doesn't affect your "sense of self" in a negative way. But for you to be able to achieve this, you need to learn where others have "skewed" your self esteem and "finally" have the support and guidance to slowly "repair" this damage. At this point, others have "skewed" your self esteem so much that you tend to "self sabotage" and "self criticize" in ways that are not healthy for you. This takes time to "slowly change" and "understand".

So, in this situation, yes, you are dealing with someone who will put this "need" at risk and is "unhealthy" for you. Making a decision to "walk away" from this kind of person is the "right decision for you to make" and "it does not mean you are not good enough" or that you have somehow "failed". Instead you need to "practice" choosing to walk away from these kind of people who will only push you in the wrong direction psychologically.

This is also something that AA meetings "support" as well. Also ACOA meetings support whatever was "skewed" if someone grew up with a parent that "neglected" their emotional needs because the parent was "skewed and self sabotaging" .

(((Supportive hugs to keep "yourself" a priority))))
OE