Jane, it is time to take some time to think about what "you" want. What does "self want"? Because if you think about having your "self esteem" be healthy, the key word in these two words is "self". And "self esteem" does not come and develop in "healthy ways" by spending all your energy "pleasing others".

A lot of people who struggle will say, "I just want someone to love "me" and hold me and give me this feeling that I am finally "appreciated and loved for who I am". That person who provides that is actually "self". And that is something that "many" people tend to "struggle with", it isn't just "you".

So, with this situation, I want you to take some quiet time and get a piece of paper and write down what "you" want to experience with a potential "mate" to share your life with. And hopefully, the first strong desire should be "someone who I don't have to spend my life trying to "please".

Keep in mind that we don't find "perfection" in others, however, there "are" things that we do need to have in others that we spend our time with that have to be "present".

You do not need to spend your life "chasing some kind of persona that is never possible to have and maintain". The only thing you need to do is learn about yourself and what "you" enjoy as a person. And then you need to keep an eye out for someone who can "complement and respect that".

I always told my daughter that I didn't "care" what she ended up being, that she could have a little farm and spend her days knee deep in pig crap all day, all I would be looking for is "a smile on her face that sent me a message that she was "happy" and then I would be "proud" and happy about her as a person.

We live in a society that tends to send out a lot of messages "If you own this you are "worthy", or , if you look like this you are a success, and these messages are not "realistic" and they are really "not healthy". However, so many "unknowingly" begin to "believe" these messages and all they do is "follow" and they don't really ever feel "truly fulfilled" in a "healthy way".

The "most" important thing to understand about all this "materialistic and shallow salesmanship" is you really do "not have to buy it". The only thing that really matters is "what you may need to "compliment" whatever is inside you that motivates "you" as a person. The people that pay attention to whatever they have that "sparks their interest in life", are the people that are the happiest. Some people love and create music, some people love to create art work, some people love to work with plants and become landscape artist's, some people love writing, some people love building things, some like keeping things clean, and the list is endless.

Many people really struggle and feel a void because they grew up with parents that consistently sent them messages about "what the parent wanted of them to "please the parent". So, these people tend to become grownups who tend to feel that "no one is seeing and appreciating "them" as a person. Unfortunately, there is so much of this going on that people tend to become "more and more like this boyfriend" you are discussing where they expect other people to conform to what "they" think is what they have to have to be happy. This mentality is "very unhealthy" and only leads to a relationship that never bears any "fruit for happiness and growth".This is why the divorce rate now is so high and people really do not know "how" to actually have a "healthy relationship" that "lasts". And believe me, there is no way you can "truly" be able to satisfy this boyfriend and IMHO, he will only get to a point down the road that even if you do get into a marriage with him, he will end up cheating on you. This would not be your fault either, all it means is that he is the kind of person who will "never" truly be satisfied with "anyone".

Your "healing" journey is all about finally learning how to take care of "self" and to finally be able to "not" experience these ongoing triggers that create this up and down emotional battle that you are describing. It takes time to slowly unravel the past "dysfunctional messages" that you received growing up. As you slowly gain on finally working through and properly "mourning" whatever you did not get the help with that you had needed in your past, you will slowly "gain" on the PTSD.