If I didn't have such a hard time with rejection, then I wouldn't mind it so much to ask someone out myself. But it really should be somewhere near 50/50 between women and men. And a lot of men seem angry and put off if you try to make the first move. Like, how dare I express that I'm developing feelings for someone? Does it make a guy feel less masculine or something? Or is it because it's me and they're upset that it isn't some beautiful, skinny model expressing their interest in them?!

What really, really bothers me is that in college there was this other girl that had a similar personality to me (although she may have been a bit more outgoing). And I wasn't really jealous of her or anything...I mean, she was really nice and I sort of had a crush on her for a while. But anyway, I'm more jealous about the fact that all the guys would completely ignore the fact that I existed and were all over her even when she wasn't single nor interested. And it was completely because she was naturally very skinny and I'm not. Nor could I ever be that skinny—my bone structure is too big.

It's ALL about how you look. You won't even exist for someone to get to know you unless you're skinny and look like a model. It's disgusting. It's about how quick and easy you are too...now I'm not trying to judge other people's clothing choices and life choices, but no one should have to dress in such a way that is provocative (unless they want to) in order to "exist" to guys or at least exist as a sexual being. I think that's it—I'm not perceived as a sexual being. But I should be able to stay covered up and not be ignored because of that. Why am I such a lesser being for not wanting to have sex immediately...for not personally wanting to flaunt my body...for not being the skinniest girl in the freaking room.

So is it because I'm intimidating, I'm too smart, I'm not skinny enough (I'm average, not fat), I don't act sexually enough, I don't dress sexually enough, or all of the above? I'm convinced it must be my personality though since people say I'm pretty or compliment me on my hair, but don't even want to be friends with me.