Quote:
Originally Posted by UnderTheRose
'falling in love with who I think he is, rather than who he actually is' was a key issue with my problematic relationships. (all - haha)
An excitement, a high, putting him into a fantasy of my Happily Ever After.
Then that moment where I felt like his True Colours were showing when in actuality, most of the time, those colours were already there, they were just masked in the costume I'd put on him so that he could adequately play the role in my play.
Man I am with I met 17 years ago at a bar. Quiet gentle man completely unlike all the men I had dated for the most part. We became friends.We did not date. Continued knowing each other, he had different girlfriends over the years, I had different boyfriends.
Then ten years ago we started to get a bit more exclusive. Finally started dating in 2004, married in 2007. That was a LOT of time to know each other, lol. Youd think I would have had lots of time to determine True Colours.
Fact of the matter is, when we started dating in 2004, I still had an idealized sense of who he was. I was wrong.
However it came down to asking myself if I could accept him for who he was right at that moment without any need to Change him. The answer was yes. So---- is that love? I don't know. Often it just feels like living with a good friend I have sex with. I'm sure he feels the same. But there is a concern, caring, desire to watch the other do well in their chosen paths... maybe THAT's love? Or.. don't we want that for anyone we care deeply for... best friend, family. Maybe love is NEVER romantic. Maybe all that romantic stuff is just idealization and lust. (sorry, long ramble)
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I wouldn't limit the romantic stuff as just lust and idealization. It's the more emotional side of things and has more to do with feelings in the moment than it does with the long term aspects of a relationship but it is nevertheless something that should be not lost in any love relationship. We need that as much as the caring, thoughtfulness and stability of another.
I think love in my mind is too often limited to the emotional side of things, that is how we feel about someone. Thing is, in my mind that's not the reality. Feelings change, sometimes we may be all happy and giddy about the other person in our life but other times they may just bug the shizz out of you for no apparent reason. But love endures both ends. It is the combination of being devoted to this person in spite of their failings at times, and not expecting every moment to be like the first day, the infatuation we felt then. it's about so much more, it's about commitment. it's about saying She's the one, it's about saying "I choose you. period. no ifs ands or buts... whatever you are now, whatever you become, I chose you and that's the way it will be." So your choosing to accept him is indeed, the epitome of love it is the real thing. Because more than how we feel, more than how she/he makes us feel, its about what we do for, with and because of them.
To me, more than a feeling it's a choice and continued actions for this person in every way. That is love. to me.
:::steps off soap box:::
S4 Take it it or leave it, thats what I think when I really ponder it.