I just can't stop. And I tell myself every morning that I won't, I am sick of my excuses that I will wait til later, which I don't do. I put myself into every element that should help me with my drinking. I see a therapist every second week. But I am being useless, I don't hear the advice or rather I don't take it.
Really , really am I being that harsh in my self criticism . I think not . I lie i Lie and i lie again in concerns to alch.
They say well you have managed before so you can again. But no, I don't listen to this . Nor do I listen to you should exercise , make better health choices. my husband says give your self time it will be ok with my depression but it is and will not be how can it. I learn nothing. once upon a time I had principles I had standards which I wanted to achieve . Now I guess i am ambivalent. My intentions are always good but sadness rips a hole in me. The only time I can get the energy to do something, anything is when I have a drink. Outwardly I look like some idiotic can do nothing person , inside my head is suffocating me. aside from the paranoia and inane chatter that goes in and out of shouting at me I wonder am I really bothered. Why be bothered to be sober? The answer is because i am responsible for the people in my life and they depend upon my job and at times my sobriety. Yet i am so close , well very close .just pull the plug on it. Life is full of weeds and they'll grow around what once was until the memory of what was once there is no longer. Kind of at my wits end with this. not sure what I'm asking. what change? what salvation? what peace?