Quote:
Originally Posted by UnderTheRose
One of my realizations about the doctors being right about BPD was the splitting --- could love and hate my husband in two seconds flat.
If he was making me feel good about myself... YAY.  If he said something or acted in a way to make me feel bad.... 
Something to do with feeling always like being a reflection in the eyes of someone else.
So... when we hook up with someone... that mirror, being wary of the way I am perceived. What sort of reflection will I see?
Many days I see only grim tolerance of me, reflected from him.
Some days I see outright irritation and anger - when he calls me selfish or lazy or whatever other thing might come from him. (I mistook his passive agressiveness for the 'quiet gentleness' I stated above)
Then there's days where he will think about me, and maybe inadvertently rub my back a moment, or some other small thing and then I feel worthy again.
This constant basing myself on how he saw me, got to a point where I had to emotionally detach myself from him because everything he said when angry hurt too easily and now I'm at the 'yes i accept him for who he is, I wont ask him to change, but if he leaves me, oh well'
(i apologize for disjointed thought. new meds and feeling wonky) |
don't apologize for your thoughts ever. you're being honest and that's what counts.. whatever it is, disjointed or not.. I like to hear it.
Ok my turn the thing is that I just finished posting something to someone in another thread about being overwhelmed when you think of everything all at once - problems, plans, thoughts.. it overwhelms us, that is, people. Well the thing I just realized based on your post is that as a bpd person sometimes we base everything and globalize based on a very minute thought or feeling. In the moment we may hate them and forget everything they've ever done for us.. because in the moment they are the devils spawn. other times they are on a pedestal and all bad things they've ever done are wiped away in the moment... and we love them with every ounce of our being. Thing is there has to be a middle ground.
here's what I am getting at related to the other post I made. There are times we should be more limited in our thinking -- as in thinking of the moment and what we can deal with right now so that we aren't overwhelmed by the things we need to face in life. other times we need to actually think more globally and look at the big picture... We seem to have this backward. How so? think about this... when we are deep in splitting it's due to minute thinking, looking at that one moment someone did one simple thing that threw us into hating them or loving them. at these times we need to think more globally to keep our heads straight, in other words, when you feel you hate him, you need to think more widely about all those years, months or what not (apply your own time range) that he's been there for you. While in the midst of a spiral out of control we may need to not think about all the things going wrong in our life at once. We do the oppposite. When we need to isolate our thoughts to the moment, we think globally and overwhelm ourselves when we need to think about someone as a person more over the long term, we tend to focus singularly on the one bad thing they did.
i know I'm rambling but it makes sense in my little over active brain.