So in about 3 hours I am going to see my doctor for the first time regarding my mental health, me, my wife, and family are almost certain I am either Bipolar (type 2) or have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Can i tell you a little about myself? and what brings me here.

I will make this quick so i don't bore you all into leaving the forums.

My mother is a major depressive and also suffers from anxiety, she was also an alcoholic who has been sober for 4 years.. We are all very proud of her as she is now sober, and this has helped her mental state, and is now becoming a much better person and functioning ember of society.

When i was 13 my grandfather died, he was my best friend. This led me down a bad path, and i become very depressed at this young age. by 19 I was a drug user (addict) and alcoholic. I have been sober and clean for 7 years, but never received treatment before or after. I simply went cold turkey. I was also a prolific self harmer from 16-23

so where am i today..Well, my mother has i have mentioned is a major depressive, my farther in law is Type 1 Bipolar, as is my brother in law.

So why do i think I have type 2 bipolar, or Borderline Personality Disorder. Simply because these member of my family see all the same symptoms in me as themselves, and after research, as do I.

Right now, i would imagine you would say I am in the down cycle...Frankly right now its hard to breathe, i feel so emotionally overwhelmed and miserable that i simply, at time cant catch my breathe. I consider suicide maybe twice a week, but AM NOT suicidal, I promise, I am not about to go out and **** myself, I just entertain the idea of it, due the way i feel. - This is how i feel right now.

I really don't want to go to the doctors today, well part of me doesn't...I think it would be easier to just self destruct which I have always been so good at. The other part of me wants to go to deal with....but the idea of going there and telling my doc i think this is whats wrong with takes my breathe away even more...like the idea of this being me....again makes me rather just self-destruct....

If this is the case...and I am either or one of these things, or both....and i am in a down cycle right now...can someone please tell me how i can get out of this....i know the doctor isn't, or cant instantly fix me...but feeling like this is debilitating...

I also find, if this helps anyone understand where i am, that I am more "down" than "up" I can be down for weeks, and when I'm not really down, I'm just "blah" then when I'm "up" it generally only last a day, maybe 2 at best...

Here are some results from only mental health quizzes i took over at psych-central. I know they are only help point you in the right direction, but I found them to be a harsh reality.

Quiz Name Score Taken on Borderline Personality Quiz 39
Severe Borderline Personality Disorder Likely Today (09/17/13) at 11:26 am Bipolar Quiz 48
Bipolar disorder - Moderate to severe symptoms Today (09/17/13) at 11:24 am Mania Quiz 62
Severe mania Today (09/17/13) at 11:22 am Depression Quiz 67
Severe depression Today (09/17/13) at 11:20 am Quick Depression Quiz 29
Severe/moderate Depression Possible Today (09/17/13) at 11:18 am Bipolar Quiz 52
Bipolar disorder - Moderate to severe symptoms

.....i just feel....overwhelmed, confused, and, that i just cant do this...

I have always been religious...Was a practising Jew...turned to Catholicism...now i don't know where i belong...I feel I abandoned my G-d by turning the Christianly..and now...find myself not knowing who, or how to pray...which used to help me get through these feelings...for the last few years..

I have typed long enough.

little help...