so last Friday my T had called and left a message that she was needing to cancel our session for Tuesday. she said she was fine but was going out of town and was not going to be available . i freaked (some of you might remember) i called her and left her a message saying that i did not know what was going on but if she no longer wanted to work with me that i wish she wouldn't do it this way that i wish that she would just tell me. i was freaking but i didn't think i was mean to her about it just freaking.it had been a horrible Friday with IRL people and my farther and when i got home late i herd it and just couldn't handle it.

i did not expect my T was going to be in her office at all this week and i never expected her to call me or anything .i think this is maybe the 3 rd time i have ever called her in almost 4 years. last time was when i walked out and had a week long freak out . this is the first time i used her direct confidential line to her office . her calling back was the last thing on my mind. i just wanted to somehow let her know that if she didn't want to work with me to just tell me and not keep cancelling sessions. i know complete mind reading.

on Monday the phone rings and the id said it was her office. i figured they were messed up and calling to reminding me of my appointment and it turned out to be my T. she asked if i wanted to come in and see her that day.i was hesitant and she told me the reason she will not be there Tuesday.

i started the session with saying i was so sorry for the call. that i had no idea why i had said yes to going yesterday and that i should have said no. she said that i definitely should not have said no. that this was the perfect time to address what was going on. i very rarely am able to talk about how i go at highway speed to thinking that someone hates me and that i am so horrible that no one could possible want anything to do with me. she didn't seem angry at all. she said that she doesn't usually share something so personal because it is not good boundaries in therapy but she felt that it was more important to see how i directly go to my default setting of i am horrible. i am not so sure how i feel about this .i am not one who cares for ignoring boundaries at all. i kind of like them. i didn't know how to respond to this. but i understood what she was trying to teach me. there are other reasons why someone may not be there for me or able to do something and it doesn't involve me being horrible. again she was not angry at all i just wish she could understand how quickly this goes on in my head. how convinced that someone means me harm.

she talked about how i had a horribly abusive childhood and that she understands where this is coming from but that i have choices now. that i can change how i think with practice . i don't know how to do that. i did tell her that things feel so real . i don't know how to just stop it .she has said this before and has not told me how to just stop it. she used the example of me calling her and leaving that message. she said i could have just sit back and breathed a little and maybe even smiled . because it can make you feel better. and to wait until the morning before i called .and then maybe have been more relaxed and be able to have her call me back and talk about what is going on.it was kind of nice to know that she is ok with me calling her . i expected that she was going to be so angry.

i was able to smile some and laugh a small amount about the situation . she thought that was good because she said that i can see that a part if how i am thinking is not ok and needs work. i just wish she could understand how convinced i am at times that what is in my head is honestly true. all in al a mellow session and her pointing out defective thinking i guess. but at the time what i probably needed to deal with.