This is a bit uncanny. I had a breakdown four years ago before I came out of the closet. Then, I had another breakdown several months ago. Paranoia surfaced four years ago and has progessively gotten worse (though now I have a better handle on it) but it also feels 'legit' (just because it feels it can be true, doesn't always mean it is).

The extreme happiness/despairing sadness is something I have experienced in the middle of these last four years. In the beginning and up until a few days ago I felt utter hopelessness to the extent of continual psychotic breakdowns and an intense desire to die. There is no way the agony of that experience can be placed into words.

There can be many reasons you are going through this. It can be something you are having trouble dealing with in your life, or perhaps you have developed a mental illness. Make an appointment to see a psychologist. They won't allow you to feel that way.