" And, one event can start the cascade of self-recrimination, self-doubt, and the crash in self-esteem. Yet, the external world doesn't have a clue, unless I choose to share it. I go through my days being completely functional, acting completely "normal", whatever that is, and no one knows how bad I feel inside on some days." quote MowtownJohnny

You need to keep in mind that this is how the average person can feel, only with PTSD it is "super magnified" at times. Also, some of this "self criticism" is connected to how you were feeling when you were young and receiving these "negative messages as a child". You haven't really "connected" the dots on that "yet".

Our brains are "very complex" Mowtown. For example, I was talking to my T today about how much the brain and even body remembers abuse or trauma of some kind.
He told me that he has sat with patients that recall being "choked" as they were abused and he could see the red marks form on their throats as if someone had just let go in an actual choking (they were not touching their throats either, all they were doing is talking about it). He told me it is amazing how our brains and bodies can remember.

I have "relived" many times the emotional challenges I had as a child, the depression and stress and anxiety. I have finally "connected" the dots and now I can help myself better when I am triggered and have these bad days. Before I just didn't understand it and constantly "struggled".

When you get "hard on yourself" I really think that you are expressing and feeling the past. You can help yourself gain on this by making sure you keep reminding yourself, that was then "not now". That is what my T talked about with me today. I am so glad I have such a good T. Having a T that really understands "trauma recovery" is such a blessing.

Don't allow yourself to feed into these bad days Mowtown, you can do better. You took some time to "reclaim your yard again", IMHO, that did more for you then any pill.

(((Hugs)))
OE