Why is that? That we feel so unworthy of being loved, by ourself or others? And that it comes out as so much self-hatred? I have been pondering the irrationality of my attitude towards myself. It sounds like this is a trait common to all of us. Jane, when you talk about being judged based upon your weight, that sounds so familiar to me. Except for me growing up, it was all about grades in school. Had to be perfect. No bad grades on anything, I had to get straight A's. and I did, it actually wasn't hard, it was one little thing I could control when so much else was beyond my control. Looking back, I wonder how I was ever able to pull that off given how I was forced to live under such fear and tension.

Then it takes on a life of its own. You probably, I am guessing, judge yourself based in your weight. When I graduated high school, I thought I had real potential in life. All based on intelligence and academics. Well, intelligence is only partof the equation, the other is emotional health and stability, and anyone who grew up in a nightmare dysfunctional family struggles with the emotional side. I crashed and burned academically my first term at college, and it was the start of an adulthood filled with mainly acceptance of the mediocre, with a few little bursts of "I should do better". Mostly, I have felt like a loser, and have been treated like such by immediate family. Yet one thing they do not appreciate is the fact I sacrificed several opportunities I did have because I was afraid of leaving my mother alone with him. Then after he died, it was simply a matter of her not being alone because of age and health. Yet I get no credit for that. I'm just the family slacker. We get out into these roles by others, they try to define us by what they perceive is our biggest fault, instead of appreciating our good qualities. And then as adults we take it to heart and do the same to ourselves.

I understand the " how" but still do not understand the "why" I do it.