wotchermuggle...

That could've been me talking -- very similar. I've had anxious tendencies my whole life, but it was at a level that I just thought it was my personality and I was always super happy and could relax and have fun.

After living in Japan for a few years, it ramped up quickly and started to be a serious problem, but was still manageable in my balanced life. Then, four years ago I moved here to Hawaii (but I increased my stress level stupidly), and a couple years ago I woke up at 2am with an extreme panic attack. It's like I snapped, because ever since then, it's been downhill. As time goes on, the symptoms are stacking up and rarely subside... ringing in the ears, intense muscle tension and twitches (my right calf is like a motorboat), blurred vision, dizziness, chronic insomnia, and the worst of all, depersonalization. The last one is really the scariest. I feel like I'm going insane when that happens. Sometimes I get stuck with that for long bouts -- hours or even days, and that's when things get *really* dark for me. I barely even think feel conscious. It's like I'm on a bad acid trip or something (just assuming it might be something like that... I've never tried illegal drugs).

Tonight I woke up from what was apparently a panic attack and I didn't know where I was or when it was. I was only half conscious and felt stuck in a waking nightmare.

So, trust me -- I know how extremely horrible it is. I don't trust anyone to understand who hasn't experienced it themselves, including doctors. I would do anything to be able to wake up feeling rested and have some small measure of ambition and excitement, enjoyment, or hopeful dreams again. Until the depersonalization stuff started a year ago, I still hung on with a disconnected cerebral hope, but now I feel dead... worse than dead - like in hell a lot of the time.

I don't really have any positive way to end this :-P