(((MowtownJohnny))),

First of all let me extended a big cyber (((Hug))) to you, because you really do need that and also deserve it.

Now, what you are describing is something that happens "a lot" in families. What I am hearing from you since I began listening to you, is that you were the youngest child and you were also "physically" challenged. You also had an "abusive" father that concentrated his abuse "mostly on you".

What they have been learning is that "abusers" tend to pick "one family member" to abuse and they treat the other family members differently. They are trying to understand "how one child is selected by an abuser". And the scenario you are describing with how your family "invalidates" you also happens a lot with these victims that the abuser in the family chooses to abuse too.

Here is what "I" believe is happening. If you really look at nature and other animals (remember we are all animals), you will observe that when an animal has offspring, often the smallest or weakest of the offspring is pushed out of the nest or struggles to get nourishment amongst the other "larger" offspring. Nature is never sympathetic to the living creatures that "need extra help" and "may be born a little smaller or be one too many in a group of offspring". Nature and evolution is driven to produce in all species variations that assure the survival of that species.

So, within "human nature" there is a very deep program that also follows this "natural selection process". And if we really "pay attention" one of the things that is "consistent" in human nature is some form of "competition" and we have "always" fed into this ongoing deep seeded programming. Time and time again this deep program has superseded our "intellect" and we have developed a word for it too, "dysfunction".

Our "intellect" cries for "peace" and yet the deep natural programming consistently stirs the pot into "WARS" and many other areas where "a certain group" gains control. And we often "question" why certain individuals gain "power" and commit these "horrible acts on their society's "innocent". Yet, here again, we consistently experience how the "natural process consistently supersedes our intellect".

Now returning to "you" and your family. Your father was a "disturbed man" and he had "no education" to help him to at least gain on "fending off this deep seeded programming" so that he could run his family in a "healthier" way so that "you" had a better chance of growing up and not experiencing the challenges you are experiencing right now. This is something that goes on a lot more then you think. And the reason that fact is "true" is because of the ever growing population that is either "delinquent, or dependent and is now burdening not only our country, but other countries as well.

The "cold hard fact" MTJ, is that we were originally designed to "discard" others that could not be strong enough to "fend for themselves" just as "all living creatures do".
If we take away our modern medicine, the infection you experienced as a child could very well have ended your life. Most "victims" tend to have some kind of "weakness" about them and many are the youngest most vulnerable in the family too. However, our intellect has begun to see how there "can be" brilliance in some of these "weaker offspring" too.

Within a family unit, often what evolves is a "role call" of some kind. Often the oldest child tends to have a certain "superior" role too. Each child within a family develops their "own sense of that family unit" and your family is no exception. It is not unusual for the "child that suffers abuse" to be dismissed and invalidated by the rest of the family unit either. This is something that is constantly brought out with almost every "victim of domestic family abuse" as they discuss their family environment. This is why many therapists recommend their patient remove themselves from their "toxic family" and have as "little contact" as possible.

In my opinion, your father also grew up in dysfunction and he also probably had a poor relationship with his father too. When you combine that along with this deep seeded natural selection process, the parent, in this case your father, becomes very dysfunctional as a parent and will often behave like your father did with you. Because we are no longer back in the environment we were originally designed to be in by "nature" we no longer need this deep seeded natural selection we had back then, however, we still carry it and it has morphed into the ongoing dysfunction we see all around us "in todays mankind".

All these "negative" messages that you struggle with, do not mean you are "unworthy or are incapable". However, because of how you grew up and were treated, you do have a "troubled perception" of your worth. Unfortunately, your family also has this misperception of you as well. And Johnny, this is something that is "consistently taking place with not just you, but "many". I have the same scenario myself as I was the youngest and though I was not abused by my "father/parents" I was abused by the "child that himself suffered abuse from my father and I was the weakest child merely by my birth order and I suffered the brunt of a lot of "dysfunction".

Like you, my family also was "dismissive", so much so that I got so bad that I began to experience some "very bad thoughts". Also, like you, when I did reach out for help, I was also misunderstood and misdiagnosed and that too made me struggle even more. Believe me, I HEAR YOU, I know it all TOO WELL.

MowtownJohnny, what you need to slowly understand is that how you feel, how you struggle and how you have been treated is "NOT YOUR FAULT OR BECAUSE YOU ARE AN UNWORTHY HUMAN BEING IN ANY WAY". The bottom line is IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR FAMILY THINKS, the reality is that in spite of your past YOU DID SURVIVE AND YES YOU DO HAVE QUALITIES ABOUT YOU THAT ARE "STRONG AND VERY WORTHY". What keeps you in this psychological battle the most is that while you "are' practicing self care and you "are" thriving, you are still dealing with others that continue to treat you like that child that was unfairly picked to somehow be cast out, yet managed to survive and thrive anyway. None of your family has the capacity to understand this either, not unless they actually walked in your shoes.

What will help you the "most" is slowly learning how to see this picture so you can finally let go of the constant circle of emotions that are a result of your history. It is not about your effort to gain something from your family members that they don't know how to "ever" give to you. That has "nothing" to do with your actual worth as a person that even "you keep self punishing for". However, the one thing you "do" have and always had, is the intelligent brain that "can" gain the knowledge you need to actually help you "rise above" all the "ignorance" that your own family has bestowed upon you so unfairly so you are no longer in this "dysfunctional psychological trap" you are experiencing.

So far Mowtown, what you feel as "whining and complaining and being "Verbose", is what you "need to do" so that you get this kind of information to "give the relief and comfort you have always "needed". What you are doing is actually also "very human too" because this kind of "Verbose" behavior is being expressed all over our planet right now in both healthy and "unhealthy" ways.

So give this some thought and begin to take charge of these "negative" reactions you experience by finally recognizing how much you are not alone and you really need to allow yourself to finally "rise above" it. You are no longer that "abused child" you have survived and grown a lot. You need to put these intrusive feelings and questions to rest now with resolve and begin to walk away on a more "conscious" level, even when your family members continue with "their dysfunctional behaviors".

((((Big Supportive Hugs)))
OE