I had my first official appointment with my new T today. It is weird because my old T (although it doesn't feel right calling her "old T" since I still feel so connected to her and plan on coming back to her) works right across the hall from where I am having my DBT. I am always scared of seeing old T, because that would be really weird.
Anyways, my appointment was fairly short and people kept knocking at her door when I was having my appointment; I guess that's what happens when you are in a research study and aren't shelling out the big bucks for private practice. She seems really nice; I am hoping I don't get attached to her the way I did to old T. My old T was a lot older and a lot more maternal, ie grey hair, glasses, and turtlenecks. This T is a lot younger, I bet she is the same age as some of my friends who are a little older than me. So I am hoping there will be no looming attachment issues.
Anyways, this therapy seems a lot more focused on skills building and just that, which I think I need. I think it was also something I couldn't get from my old T because our relationship had become really conversational in a way and I really just wanted to talk to her about my week instead of doing skills. Plus it is a part of a research study and so I know my T's goals will be on helping me learn skills.
Right after I left I felt really hopeful, but then I got so, so angry. Not at the new T, but because I had been telling her about my old job and the circumstances that precipitated my complete nervous breakdown. She was really sympathetic and when I was telling her some things about my old job, her face was kind of like "WTF." So in a way she validated me, but it made me feel worse, because it validated my anger and reinforced the feeling that what had happened to me was unfair. Then my anger gave way to depression and suicidal thoughts.
I am also a little nervous that DBT will be so helpful that I won't want to go back to old T, b/c she doesn't have that type of training. I am also wondering, "OK, what if I don't get super attached to this T and have these intense emotions towards her and what if that is a relief?" What if I don't want to go back to old T because I am scared of that intense attachment I have towards her? Even though I miss her badly, it does feel like a little bit of a vacation from these intense feelings towards old T. I guess we'll see what happens.