gayleggg,
Thank you very much for your kind words. That really means a lot to me.

I owe credit to this website and staff for hosting resources and information, such as articles describing how to find a therapist, which encouraged me to reach out to a therapist many years ago.

I do not know why I'm sharing this. Maybe I just wanted an outlet, and I'm sorry if the readers here have become my outlet, because it's selfish. Whenever I look back on my past, I'm frustrated that things aren't different. It would have been nice to possess the skills necessary to form friendships. I also wish that my parents weren't monsters in their own way and that other people have treated me better. So I carefully think about it and write down how I wish I was treated growing up. Then I treat myself with that same amount of kindness that I've always wanted to experience. That's how I've learned to be okay with what's underneath my own skin.

I'm sad, very sad that I don't know what to do anymore. I want to interact with other people on good terms, but I can't seem to pull it off. I'm sad because the funniest, most caring, and stellar person I've ever known has lived his entire life with only the relationships he's ever had are relatives, of which he is mostly isolated from, too. Behavioral health can sometimes tear us apart from each other. It forces us to be alone with our thoughts. I'm sad that I am alone and that other people are alone. The few relationships that I have experienced, whether casual friendship or otherwise, have all suffered at my hands despite my best attempts to keep everyone on positive terms. I cannot convince myself to jump into a zoo's tiger pen and pet the cats unharmed anymore than I can convince myself to interact with other people and remain unharmed.