I'm truly desperate to find peace and serenity in my life again. Ever since I lost my job in 2010, I have felt like my life is spiraling out of control. I haven't been able to find another job. I'm not able to help support my family. I have no insurance, and am diabetic and need insulin to survive. I recently reached out for help because I was suicidal and had a plan. I was in the hospital for 11 days. I finally felt safe. I didn't want to leave. The day I was released, I was shaking with fear. I'm trying to take each day as it comes and set small goals (baby steps) each day (today I cleaned the bathroom). I feel numb a good part of the day, but then the fear sets in and I'm rocked with a panic that sets my world off its axis and I'm left wondering why I'm here...what purpose do I serve in life? I feel like a burden to my family and friends. I've recently relocated to a different state, and I'm desperately homesick. I have no social network here. I'm working on getting a therapist (I have my 2nd intake interview this friday), and I'm waiting to hear back from Medicaid. I was told it could take 9 months to be approved. It's been very stressful, especially since my son (he's 22 and moved with us) is also diabetic and dependent on insulin for his survival. He's got a part-time job at Sears, but he doesn't get many hours, and he's trying to get Medicaid too. I feel very alone and scared and isolated from the world. I feel like I'm never going to find another job that will support my family and will make me feel like I'm making a difference in this world. I feel like a loser for needing to take public assistance and that I'll never be a worthwhile person again as long as I live.
I'm sorry I'm rambling on...but I feel very down and needed to get all of these negative thoughts out of my head. I'm praying that tomorrow will be a better day. But I know that chances are, I will wake up the same person I was today and yesterday...and I'm trapped in this awful existence.