I've been thinking..

In the last (almost) two years of doing therapy w/ T and I have been able to identify the root of most of my anxiety, he has been able to share with me ways to cope with, accept and move through my panic disorder. I was also able to give words to my past traumas. T visited the site of one particular trauma with me, he has shared with me those things were not my fault and not my shame to take on (still working on accepting it), I have been able to disclose my thoughts on my sexual orientation and T has created a safe, warm environment to share openly about it. T has helped me to identify why I am such a control freak, identify why I have such issues with connecting with people.. I mean I have been very enlighted in these last two years.

I am no way cured from all of my issues and still considered myself dysfunctional. BUT- the thing is.. I think T has given me all of the tools that I need to function on a day to day basis, how to interact with people, how to not let my past traumas effect my everyday life. There is a bunch of head knowledge that I have gained from him. The reason why I am still not seeing change is because I am not yet ready to embrace it all. I still feel safe in my guarded state. Life may not be good- but I have gotten through.. and to open up, to let my walls down.. Is not something I am ready to do yet.

all that being said.. it leaves me to wonder what more there is to do with T? I feel like I am hanging on to him as this lifeline, security blanket, ear piece... And I don't know that I can justify money spent, time spent on something like that. Really, I got from him to what I was looking for.. I went there trying to get out of the hell that was daily panic attacks.. I no longer have them. Maybe my time is up.. Maybe it is time to call it quits. Maybe I will one day be ready to fully embrace a life that is unguarded, open to intimacy, and free of obsessively controlling things, then maybe I can come back. Or maybe not.. I don't know.. just thinking.