When I was a child, I just had ADHD, OCD, and autism. I was hyper all the time and had so much energy. I also was super OCD about germs and I couldn't handle touching door knobs, people touching my food, etc. My autism caused me to not understand social roles. I didn't know how to interact with people, I didn't understand jokes, and I just wasn't a normal child. My mother beat the living day lights out me me because of it. I never knew I was doing something wrong until she beat me and yelled at me. She'd get down to my level, put her face next to mine, and screamed at me until her face was red and her voice gave out. She'd hit my across the face with her hands as hard as she could and beat me with objects, mostly belts. Words can not depict what I had endured for ten years (5-15) years of my life. She still was abusive, but verbally which was a trigger for my mania. She denies beating me and considering it abuse. She said it "builds character". I'm not abused anymore, but when people yell I get diarrhea and anxiety. I flinch and cry at sudden noises and movements. I don't know how to stop doing this. I don't want to forgive her, she burned hatred into my bones and it leaks out when I'm manic. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know.