Now I'm torn.

Personally, I feel trapped. I don’t want to feel as if my brain is broken and science needs to fix it. I don’t like that science doesn’t even know for sure what most of these potent meds do - how they work and long term effects. I don’t want to look at the nine pills (because psych doc went up a lot in dosage) I’m supposed to be taking and thinking ‘this is my life.’ I'm also terrified of side effects I've had (very rapid weight gain, being too stoned to function, etc) and potentially will have on different medication. I looked at the side effects for mood stabilizers and a lot of them sound scary! I mean, getting regular blood tests to make sure your organs aren't failing? I'm only 18. How long would my life expectancy be (not to mention what **** my quality of life would be) if my organs started out of the blue failing because of something that's supposed to be helping me? And that's not just lithium, docs have been know to order blood tests for ANY MS for the same reasons.

But at the same time, part of me is terrified that I will fail out of college if I have another really bad episode. And another part feels obligated since real life people (who admittedly don’t understand my situation) either outright say I should take medication, or make me feel like a terrible person for NOT wanting to take them. They disguise an ultimatum as free will by saying it’s ultimately my decision and then pulling the ‘don’t you love me?’ ‘why won’t you listen to me and do as I suggest?’ when I say I’m sticking to my decision.

Now I'm torn, upset, and don't know what I should do. I'm trying to get an appointment with someone to at least have an in depth discussion on the risks/benefits of meds before I make my final decision.