You need to take steps to find a therapist you can work through this with. You have been in an "abusive" relationship and you are now showing signs of being badly affected by that. IMHO, you are showing signs of "victim mentality" and you are also trying to stay in a relationship where you have been "walking on eggshells" and you never seem to make any "real gains" on how you end up being "blamed and the person who is basically a punching bag". You are not a professional that can understand and "treat" this challenging behavior pattern that comes with someone suffering from BPD. IMHO, most people who struggle with BPD also have PTSD too, and that is also challenging for people to understand too.

OE