{{{{{{{{{{Tomi}}}}}}}}}}}

Please don't hate me for what I have to say. This has been painful for me to read. I am very sad for you for the loss of your friend and your ex-MIL, and I continue to offer my condolences. The situation with your DIL and your grandchildren is much harder for me to deal with, which is why the best I was able to do yesterday was give you some hugs in your other thread, but I was at a loss here. We need to remember that this story has two sides. I am very sad for you and for your grandchildren that you are prevented from seeing them. Children need grandparents. And parking in the car with the children in front of your house and not allowing them to get out was totally uncalled for and mean, to all of you. But the mother of these children, while she makes mistakes and it sounds like she really struggles with her role as a mother and homemaker sometimes, is trying to protect herself and her children. I'm not saying that she does this in the right way, but it sounds like she doesn't know a better way. Tomi, you said that you were trying to improve her self-esteem and make her a better person (I can't remember your exact words), but she feels like she is under attack. Nothing she does is ever good enough. Telling her all the things she does wrong will not boost her self-esteem - it will shove it further down into the basement. You say that she comes from a dysfunctional family. That means that she has not had the chance to learn more effective ways to do things - to raise children, clean the house, relate to in-laws, etc. She may need help, but it has got to be offered in a non-threatening way or she will see it as criticism and reject it. Threatening anything punitive, such as reporting her to social services with the implication that she could lose her children, is not going to be constructive or help anyone. I know because I have been in her position. She feels as though she is trapped - caught between loving her husband and her children and knowing that she doesn't measure up to your standards. Maybe she got married too young and maybe she misses the freedom to direct her own life that she gave up to be a wife and mother. A frightened animal trapped in a corner has no choice but to try to fight its way out, or at least can't see any other options. And in that moment, the frightened animal doesn't know that the person who has it cornered may want to treat its wounds and set it free.

I'm all for family mediation, but it needs to be from a loving perspective. Any hint of punitiveness or revenge will ruin it. It would be best if you could work through your son, and have him offer the idea. It's not about laying it on the line and convincing her that she is wrong - it is about all of you learning to work together peacefully for the best interests of the children.

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh. It isn't meant to. I wish you all the best.

With Much Love,
Wendy

<font color=orange>"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. - Winston Churchill "</font color=orange>