Hi

I have been on my meds since July 22nd.
It took a while for them to kick in - and at a stage i thought i was making progress

My Psychiatrist changed my dosage to
Breakfast:
2 x Serdep 50
1 x 100mg Lamictin

Dinner
2 x Rivotril
1 x Epilim 500 CR

My impulsive / manic deed was to cheat ( emotionally) on my loving husband

I realise now, it is an unforgivable act. At that stage I focused on all the marital problems we have. My husband said we have to work on our marriage - give it our best shot. If it doesn't work, we know we tried our best.

A part of me want to run away because i can't face him everyday. the hurt in his eyes is killing me.

Last night i dreamt i came home and all his bags were packed ready to leave me. I was completely devastated.

I can't forgive myself - I just can't! I just want to run away.

He still loves me. but I don't love myself.

When the realisation of my action actually sunk in i experienced the following effects:

I am so deeply depressed ( even more so before i started taking the meds ) and anxious the whole time. My jaw is clenched giving me headaches and making me nauseous. My palms are sweating and I am trembling so much it is difficult to write

I also realise that this behavior is creating an emotional void between us. He says he can feel me pushing him away.

I wish they made a "forgive yourself pill"

Ultimately I know this will play out one of two ways

1) I pretend that nothing happened and try my best to establish our old routines and times. Even if I have to fake it.

2) I run away - hurting him even more. he deserves better, I actually never felt good enough for him.

Thanks for everyone that took the time to read my thread.
Take care