thanks zen. yeah, still getting used to my t. i really do find it hard to connect to people (therapists) sometimes. i guess i've seen a lot over the years. some i just couldn't connect with. others i did but then over time... i kind of slip back out of reach... and i don't know what happened or how to get closer to them and feel connected again...

do you remember that i was working with this lady? for a while. maybe 6 months. i couldn't think of her as my t for the longest time... then in the last month we made a kind of a break through. i had been trying for a couple months before that... but i guess i hit crisis and something shifted and i'm not sure what happened but she started listening (i started to feel heard) and then things were away...

and then...

she left for the year.

and then...

i found my new t.

and i wanted to work with a guy because i thought the not being able to feel connected thing was something that i had the most trouble with females. and i did like him right from the start and i really did think that we could work well together... but now i feel like he is slipping away... slipping away... i guess just that is triggering for me. my dad left... %#@&#! me up big time... and i feel like he is leaving before i even got to know him and he is leaving for a month later in the year when his wife has a baby (that was so much more than i wanted to know) and i don't know...

but the thoughts have been back. and little bitty urges. just little ones though and they pass. i haven't jumped up to look for an implement yet. haven't made plans or anything. i will be okay. i am okay. i will be okay. thanks for listening zen. thank you.

i had this incident a few days ago... some people... drunken gossiping about me and i could hear them and they didn't know i could. i felt like... i just wanted to die. i think that was when they started.

but i didn't do anything. i think... somehow... i managed to say to myself 'well they gossip about everyone else so wouldn't i feel left out if they didn't gossip about me?' some of it was hurtful... their tone was hurtful... but no major allegations... stuff that they don't mind in other people... i realised... they think i reject them. because of my social anxiety. they think i don't like them. i'm %#@&#! terrified of them zen. terrified. they notice and think i don't like them. and so... returning the favour... venting dislike about me.

somehow... seeing it this way... i didn't think suicide was the only option. before... i don't think i could have coped. but i got urges... haven't had those for so long. in a room made of glass and they can see me... see right through me... hate me mock me laugh at me... i hate life sometimes zen.