A very old, very wise soul once said "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."

I have always had a sense through this that while you certainly very angry at your DIL, really what has been driving you was a desire to see your grandchildren and allow them to have the right to see you. Certainly there is a personal motive there but it is also deeply connected with the wellbeing of your grandchildren.

I have always accepted your venting as just that... venting, and I know that you have tried to work this out peaceably... talking with your son and trying to reason with her. I DO think this deserves to be fought out, especially for the sake of the children. Taking them in the car was downright cruel. In light of what Rapunzel has said I do agree that if there is anyway a beneficial solution can be worked out, maybe with a moderator, that would be in the best interest of the children.

I have considered that the quote that I began this message with might be appropriate to your DIL. Maybe working to allay her fears, as Rapunzel suggests, would end the chain of suffering she is causing.

I do however think you have every right to be very angry... not just for what she is doing for the children... but also for what she is doing to you. And also how it effects the relationship between you and your son, and what it must be doing to him.

I remember a thread here a while back about expressing violence on the board, and recognizing the difference between imaginary violence and real violence. And maybe more importantly, recognizing when imaginary violence is helpful and a form of venting, and when imaginary violence is destructive and keeping us focused on distressing thoughts rather than letting us get past them.

In this case it is definitely your DIL's ongoing actions that are dragging this out, not your hanging on to anger over a past event. My talk of pulling her through the keyhole was entirely meant not only to help you vent, but mostly to validate your anger against the situation which I think you very much needed. I know you know that I wasn't intending to encourage you to make the situation ugly, and I do trust that you understand that as well, which is why I felt comfortable posting that. Believe me I gave it a lot of thought before hitting the "continue" button.

I do believe very strongly that Anger leads to hate but not that we should not be angry... just that we should not allow our anger to grow to control our emotions and anger. I believe the solution to that is to express our anger, vent it, and release it... or when it needs to be addressed, to fight for a resolution but not to fight out of anger, but out of the desire for resolve. IMO everything you have ever posted about this situation has felt to me to have "resolution" as the driving force... not ever revenge or punishment.

I'm posting this for the sake of people who may be just looking in and might not understand. And also to emphasize the consideration of Rapunzel's post when considering the best solution to this for everyone involved.

{{{{{{SeptemberMorn}}}}}} {{{{{{{Rapunzel}}}}}}

There's an old story about a Japanese Samauri that spent a lifetime trying to locate the man who murdered the Samauri's master. This was a matter of honor and justice, this was the Samauri's role. After many many years the Samauri finally located the murderer and confronted him. He drew his sword to slay the man, which was the justice called for for his crime. Before he struck, the man spit in the Samauri's face. The Samauri then sheaved his sword and walked away. The reason was that if he had killed the man at that moment, he would have been acting out of anger and emotion, striking the man with fury over the indignity he caused. The code of the Samauri was very strong on that account, they understood the danger of following the path of anger and it was forbidden to the utmost degree.

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--http://www.idexter.com