I apologize if I ramble a bit as I've had a few glasses of wine. I know, awful way to cope..but I haven't gotten any meds yet.
Today was a beautiful day, sunny, warm, I don't have to be up early tomorrow...
the problem is that that's the kind of day I'd spend with Megan, my best friend who passed. I wanted so bad all day to just call her up and go grab a 24 and drink in the park and talk about life. She was always there for me, no matter time or place. I called and she'd come pick me up.
And I just got so ****ing angry that some man had to come and strangle the life out of my beautiful girl...
I apologize for being graphic but there is rage seething through me...and then it's gone. I'm so completely numb it's unsettling. I don't let myself cry. I feel alone always. None of my other friends really call me. They were all there when she died and then like that they were gone.
I'm anxious. I'm in pain. I'm angry. and all I want is to be loved.
I can't think straight much anymore. I don't dissociate really. I just...go inside my head and then the next minute I'm already home. I want to disappear from the world. Not die, I guess...just fade into the background. I just wanted to stay outside and maybe lie down in the dark some where and hope that I just...disintegrated into nothing.
I guess I'm really losing it..