Saw T today. I slipped and messaged him once in two weeks and he was mad. He said it was affecting therapy--the way he feels is affecting his ability to do therapy. He got angry and kind of got this mean face like he was holding back yelling at me. I just felt so bad I cried hard all the way home (an hour). I've been seeing him for like ten years. He gets annoyed if I don't do all the things he expects like have an agenda, fill out a diary card, take my meds even if the pharm didnt send them, etc. it's all annoying. I guess I just bother him. The thing is, I've always looked up to him, trusted him, and wanted to be close. I just textd too much. Today I deleted his cell phone number. He doesn't want me. I'm so hurt and sad. I don't try to bug him on purpose. I guess I wanted too much. I don't know if I should leave for good--if I did I'm sure he wouldn't even call me. I always loved him--in the way that I'm grateful and care and felt trust. But now I feel shame, guilt, like a failure. It's hard to bear that he is so annoyed that its interfering with therapy.

I don't think he wants to be there for me. I feel so alone. I need to just quit now I guess. My problems will be my own to solve. It feels awful to know you aren't wanted. I'm still mourning the loss of my mom four months ago. We never talk about it because we talk about my bad behavior texting too much. I feel like I'm losing everything.