Hi all,
I've not been diagnosed with any kind of mental trouble, however I have begun to suspect that i may have some.
I'm 18 and just went off to college (first time away from home). There has been a significant lack of structure and some stress as a result.
Since school has started I've had worse and worse mood swings (I've had them since I was 13 or 14, but never as dramatic or frequent). The other day I had a rage episode and hit a sign repeatedly until my hands were bleeding (because a girl I wanted to be around was with some of my other guy friends). The next day I was having impulsive suicide thoughts and probably would have gone through if there had been an easy, guaranteed method available (which scares me). My anger and impulses never manifest themselves into intentional self-harm or harming others.
As far as impulsiveness goes, I've always been fairly good at controlling them however this summer I decided to enlist in the Navy with a 6-year contract after only a week of consideration. (Haven't shipped yet).
Also, as far as the 'empty' feelings go, I get that sometimes (moderately), however I usually have headphones in and I think that keeps my mind off it.
I don't really have any problems being by myself, however I feel incredibly lonely (despite having people in my life which I cognitively know care for me).
Finally, the idealization/devaluation thing is spot on. I was convinced that I was in love with a girl (after knowing her for a week or so), and now I just want to avoid her and the idea of being with her disgusts me.
All of these things have been present in my life, however have fluctuated (over the course of months and gradually) between being nearly non-existent to dominating my life. It has gotten worse since I got to school and I've taken to smoking in order to cope with stress.
Do I have BPD/should I seek help to get an actual diagnosis, or am I just not handling the transition well and need to just ride it out and nothing is wrong with me?
Thanks!