Dave, you and I are on the same page, Hun. Be assured of that. Something that has just dawned on me as I've re-read my own posts is that I've made it sound as if it's all about me and it's not. Like I said, I've been through this valley before. I'm a big girl and if I have to go through the valley again, I'll make it. It will hurt, but I'll make it.

The children are my biggest concern. When I cry, I cry for them. When I'm sad, I'm sad for them. They have no clue that they are being used as pawns in a control game. They don't understand why mommy won't let them come in and see me. They don't understand why it's been so long since they've come inside my house. They don't understand why "Bela" doesn't give them special treats like she always did. I could go out to the truck and force the issue, but if an argument starts or something uglier, they don't need to hear or see. Whatever I do or don't do, it's because I'm thinking of them first.

And as for the "violent" imaging and posting... I took it for what it was. Just venting, just a way to release pent up emotion. More than anything, I took your post as a validation of my feelings. It was never meant to form any kind of an evil plan to harm the mother of my grandkids. I knew that then and I know it now.

As for some of the restrictions she's put on me, like not being able to come to her home, etc., I wrote back to her and said I would honor her wishes but that I, in turn, would not close my door to her nor place any restrictions on her BECAUSE I was considering my son's feelings and respecting the fact that she is his wife by choice. It IS playing hell with my son! He feels torn in two different directions. Damned if he does and damned if he doesn't! He knows that all he's going to get from me us hurt and dissapointment but he doesn't want to hurt me. What he gets from her is ultimatums and threats. I don't know that he realizes that yet.

After we talked night before last, I retracted my "no restrictions" on his wife. I told him that she could no longer accompany him if she was just going to sit in the truck with the kids. If she came, she had to let the kids out. It would be a foregone conclusion. I'd rather go without even a remote chance of seeing them than to know that they are outside, suffering, being tormented for no other reason than to hurt ME!

As for your quote: "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." I've lived it, Dave. I've acted out in anger because of fear and now I find myself hating someone all over again because of the hate that the anger engendered. No, it's not my DIL. I don't hate her. Stay tuned and you'll hear that story, too.





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>