Thanks for caring, I know you mean well
the problem with therapy is not that I'm afraid of it, there are more pressing issues than my eating habits that I have to adress in therapy.
the problem is that I recently moved to the states and I still have to go through immigration and that can take some time. I can't get therapy here without being an American citizen. So that's why I have to wait.
I know anorexia is not a nice thing, I apologize for saying I wanted to have it, I hope I didn't offend anyone. You're right, I don't want to be anorexic, I just want to be thin and happy with the way I look. If I was anorexic that would never happen, so I should be glad not to suffer from it.
Since I wrote this post, I've made some drastic food-changes (trying not to binge, cutting out sweets, junkfood, etc.) I'm trying to stay low-calorie and I exercise about 6 times a week for about an hour.
I still want to get thin, and get there fast. I can't stand my weight. I can't stand how I look. I can't stand my BMI telling me that I'm overweight. I wish I would have stopped binging much earlier, so it would have been easier. But I'm very determined now. I'm holding up pretty good, and I think I'll see nice results in a few months.
You asked whether I had ever stuck to a diet for a longer time, and I guess I have. It wasn't an official diet, but I cut soda and snacks (apart from fruits/verggies) out of my diet for a year and lost 6 kg (about 13 pounds).
The problem is that I gained it right back afterwards because I just started eating lots again.
so what I really needed was a life-time change in my diet. This means I will diet until I reach a weight that I'm comfortable with, and then I'll spend my energy on trying to maintain that weight. This means I will always be counting calories, always be thinking twice before eating something and always feeling guilty after I ate more than I wanted to. But I guess that's the only way.
A little question:
I don't know exactly how bulimia is treated, but is there some cure for the cravings, the losing control of how much you eat? Or is it all about learning self-control?
Anyways, thanks for the kind words, I'm definitely aiming to be healthy. thank you for helping me realize that that is the right way