I planned on doing that too until I went on medications. I need to keep somewhat in touch and on good terms so I'm allowed on her insurance. I hate it so much and I want nothing to do with her.

I'm in therapy and we are working on my PTSD from it among other things. My therapist says my little me is scared and hurt and that I need to protect her. She told me the little me needs to be comforted by the adult me and needs to be protected. She hasn't healed from her wounds and is still in a lot of pain. I'm not sure how to do all that though. I don't always think of the abuse, but my body remembers it. My body remembers being beaten and so I flinch unconsciously and I have diarrhea which I can't seem to control. My boyfriend and his family know not to be loud around me because this causes panic attacks, the runs, and so much more.

I don't want to forgive my mother because it seems like that means I have accepted what she has done. I don't accept it and I never will accept it. A few people ask what don't I forget about it and move on, but how could I? This fear is so instilled in me that's it subconsciously affects my body. I feel like if I was willing to forget it my body wouldn't allow it. Both my body and mind/soul are hurt and angry. I may not be hurting consciously all the time, but subconsciously I am.

I'm glad I got everyone's input on this. I was starting to feel that i was the bad one for not forgiving her, but now I see that i don't have to. I'm sorry this has happened to everyone too and I don't know how to solves this; I wish this never happened to us. I'd hug each and everyone one of you and buy you chocolate if I could.