Definite perfectionist. Probably inherited from my parents who look down upon anybody who doesn't have a perfect lawn or immaculate home. A report card with a B on it was like a D to my parents. For a time, it was helpful with music...but it's just been crippling me for years at this point and no longer useful. I can't do anything without having 10 thoughts about how maybe I'm not doing it the best way or correct way or most efficient way. Anything that isn't perfect feels like a failure.

My parents aren't going to surprise me...the only thing I can think of to say to them is, "I need you to leave me alone and let me live my life or else you're no longer going to be a part of it." No wonder I wound up back in my parents' basement at the first sign that my life wasn't going to turn out perfectly. I can always move back in with them and be 14 again. They don't seem to understand that there are occasions when their help or input is helpful, but that 98% of the time it just stresses me out and I feel like I'm being strangled to death. But, I don't see any way to end it without moving out again, which is too bad, because I could *really* use some time and space to get my life back on track and get healthy without having to worry about where my rent money is going to come from on top of everything else. But, it seems like living with them is stressing me out just as much as dealing with life was. I'm realizing that I'm not lazy...I'm just completely overwhelmed by life and need a period of time to be left alone to figure things out. I thought moving back in with my parents would allow me to do that, but all it's done is create pressure from my whole family who thinks I'm doing nothing with my life, combined with the stress of trying not to explode every time my mom acts like I'm completely incapable of handling the most minor detail.

All my life, my mom has done things for me that I've never asked to have done. She'd practically wrote book reports for me in elementary school. She practically did my science fair projects. She made doctors appointments and filled out important paperwork. I've been passively living my entirely adult life because I've been conditioned from birth to not do anything for myself. Now, I can't musically make anything happen for myself. I only play gigs that other people call me to play. I only take students who seek me out. It's like I'm 30 years old and still waiting around for people to do things for me that I'm completely capable of doing myself. I guess that's laziness, but I'm beginning to realize where it's come from. I'm the youngest and last child, so I'm sure that my parents were trying to micromanage every aspect of my life so that it would end up perfect just like they wanted since they knew they wouldn't have another chance. My mom had actually started calling colleges and getting paperwork ready for me to apply to a school I didn't want to go to for a major that I didn't want to do back when I was a senior in high school.

So, it's seeming more and more like the best option is just to move out, get an easy job that won't stress me out, and get into therapy and on medication and take back my life...even cutting my family out of it completely if necessary. I had to cut a very negative best friend out of my life a couple years ago when I realized that there was absolutely no way I could ever get better when I had him minimizing my every accomplishment and finding ways to make every conceivable situation into a negative one. I may have to do the same with my family if I discover that they are an obstacle keeping me from happiness.

Regarding a girlfriend, that's not even something I can think about right now. I need to feel like I have my own life back again before that's even a consideration. Otherwise I'm going to end up looking for a girlfriend who I can turn into my mother and expect her to take control of my life for me. When I was in high school, I had a girlfriend who basically asked me how I could let my mom do all this stuff for me...she said it would drive her nuts. I remembering pretty much saying that I didn't really care and it made my mom happy, so who cares. But, now I'm realizing I should've listened to her then so I wouldn't be dealing with this now. It wasn't quite so bad when I was living on my own, but I still had my mom calling me every week and trying to have an hour long phone conversation about every little thing that happened to anybody in the family. I would try to tell her, "ok...we need to keep this short...I'm busy". But, somehow, I'd end up getting guilted into staying on the phone...sometimes for even an hour and half or two hours....I'd end up just setting the phone down on speaker and doing my dishes or something while periodically saying, "mmhmm...mmhmm..yeah...ok".

Anyway, note to any current parents...if you try to micromanage every aspect of your kid's life, they may end up like me...living in your basement at age 30 while secretly hating you.