I am learning that allowing myself to be vulnerable is hard, harder from what I thought. When I go to my session I still have on (what I call) a suit of armor. It is slowly coming off but it is taking some time. My T wanted me to try something last week..I was reluctant at first but then after a little encouraging from my T I just went with it. I had to sit on the ottoman then lay my back on the sofa ( feet on the floor) and take deep breaths. She wanted me to breathe with my mouth open but I felt weird so just breathed through my nose. After a minute or two ( seemed like an eternity) she had me hold my breath for as long as I could..she said hold it until it became unbearable, which I did. Once I stopped I almost gasped for breath...said "okay!!" I feel like an idiot because I actually forgot what the purpose was of this exercise but the whole point of this post is that I am slowly letting my guard down and surrendering to this process.
I sometimes feel a little cowardly because it is so much easier for me to share my feelings via email. I feel fortunate that my T allows email but at the same time I wish that I could just articulate better while we are together in session.
I don't know if any of you feel this way but when I get to thinking of how emotionally dependent I have become on my T it freaks me out!! Sometimes when I find myself thinking of her and how I just want to feel safe I will clench my fists tightly, really tight and mumble "no!!!" I am struggling with being vulnerable...I am so used to being logical, intellectualizing and now I am learning it doesn't work for me anymore. This is a frightening process sometimes..