Quote:
Originally Posted by Edda
I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed and frankly, anxious that I might have lost the skills or inner resources to pull through this rough, really, really rough patch of my life.
After a recent breakup with significant other I experienced a serious worsening of my bpd and depression symptoms. Well, no surprise there so far - such emotional trauma would shake even a perfectly healthy person to the core. What is not at all expected though is that everything seems to be falling apart in my life. Absolutely everything.
It appears that I am facing a serious physical health issue that's giving me a real fright at the moment. My living arrangement is compromised. I find it near impossible to carry out basic tasks, let alone work. I have symptoms that make me doubt my diagnosis - there is just too much dissociation and really weird stuff going on. I can't sleep. I have become addicted to self harm.
The worst thing is - while I had largely been drowning in pain, confusion, I recently found some sort of a genuine will or at least desire to pull through, to move on and I am shocked to realize that I don't seem to be able to.
I have become practically dysfunctional and I have major issues with memory and concentration and that scares me.
I am receiving therapy - on no meds at the moment - but everything seems so incredibly slow; I'm sinking much more quickly than the lifeboat can possibly get to me and if I'm honest, I doubt they actually have life rings on board. Meaning - I feel so much "ahead" of those trying to help me.
I feel really isolated.
I'm not really posting to fish for sympathy; I really do think that it is up to me and me only to get better somehow but I really seem stuck; more than ever in my life.
I'm wondering if anyone might have some constructive ideas.
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I'm going to have to disagree with your statement that it's all up to you. Because I thought that for a while. But honestly, all these nights of loneliness and just tired of being alone, I'm finally going to a support group tomorrow. I think to a certain extent we can all control what happens in our lives, but to think we have total control is, I think, an illusion. I come from a codependent family, where you're raised to be anything but independent and absolutely no skills on how interdependence/socializing works.
I don't mean to immediately bring down your point of view, and I hope I haven't offended you. But I do relate to your feelings, the feeling of my life is in my own hands and how I know much more about me and what I need than those who supposedly are helping me. It sucks to be stuck. I hate it, too.
The only suggestion I have, is looking for support groups. To be in an environment where it is safe to be who we currently are, we are vulnerable and we need compassion. And most of the time, it will come from those who have experienced the same things we've gone through. That is why I'm also giving it a try. Because no matter what, I'll never shake the loneliness away until I take the chance to reach my heart out. And honestly, I'm scared. Because the way my family has handled my heart, I'm a lot more sensitive than I let on and wish to be.