Hi there.

I’m at week 8 out of a relationship that re-opened some deep core wounds. At first, it was easier for me to see the issue as being all hers (my ex-GF’s). No doubt we were codependent. It was easier to cry for her suffering. Now, I'm looking at my own internal stuff.

I’ve come to a place of accepting that I have my own struggle with mood dysregulation and instability. On the surface, I usually keep my poise and appear to have purpose. On a rational level, for instance, I can tell myself that if that pretty barrista is calling me "sir", and isn't giving me a flirtatious smile, that it's just common practice and polite. Inside, I still experience the rejection - my heart sinks (sometimes tears even well up) and I feel all the rejections of my past.

Things like this, I'm working to accept as being here, rather than judge. I am here because I think I may be a Quiet Borderline. In the past, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. More recently, it’s Generalized Anxiety Disorder with Depression. I haven’t told my psychiatrist about the daily dysregulation issue, a bit scared to be honest.

Everyone has a different story with different ways of coping. I believe that most of us do our best to work with what we’ve got, even if it appears as self-sabotage to others. In my family of origin, the message was: “Stop crying! Your worries are ridiculous! Stand up straight, and walk with a purpose. Stop focusing on yourself so much." I was a scared, hypersensitive boy who did what he could to not get in trouble. Under that, I had a lot of loneliness, resentment, and rage.The underlying threat was emotional abandonment, and sometimes physical as well. I won’t get into details, but there was abuse. I survived.

I’m an adult. I live by myself, and am about to graduate undergraduate college (after years of being in and out of school). That seems like a positive, and it is, but I’m struggling to keep myself together every day. The truth is I feel like I’m sinking day by day. I'm an adult, but inside, I'm just a scared little boy. I’m scrambling around, reminding myself that I want to feel whole. I’m so scared of not being in a relationship, but my nerves are way too shot. More to the point, I feel as though I have little to no emotional skin. I'm constantly afraid of feeling judgment or rejection from even random people out in public. Things that seem little to most people will totally shake me up on the inside and, since this relationship, I've begun to address this in myself. I want to be able to fully love and be loved. I’m new and look forward to reading your posts. Sorry if I’m ever redundant on anything. This is still new and I’m timid about looking at this in myself.

Can anyone relate to any of this, and what about having Quiet BPD? Thanks for reading.

duende