Hi everyone.

I'd like to say it's great being a part of this online community! I wish it weren't purely digital - but this way we can set privacy boundaries in exchange for being open and honest about other things.

I've got a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. It took many years of therapy to arrive at the specific diagnosis, but whilst being in a deeply therapeutic relationship - I allowed myself to open up and I became fully fledged borderline for my therapist.

Twice I have been in the same outpatient program - within a span of 3.5 years. The program is 30 days of intensive therapy - 1 on 1 therapy as well as access to a psychiatrist and daily group sessions and knowledge - based mostly on DBT and CBT concepts.

In that time - I have managed to come to terms with my illness, and managed to (in some ways) remain aware and conscious of my patterns and willingness to grow despite my tendency to become fully reliant on things external to myself.

Now that I am back in the 30 day outpatient program, I am finding the need to fall back into the level of dependency with my therapist that I had the last time - 3.5 years ago. Only trouble is - what can I do differently this time around? I find that the more I open up about things to my therapist - the stronger the therapeutic alliance becomes - then I am truly emotionally out of control and unable to cope with being away from her and on my own. Even though all these tools and coping strategies have been drilled into my head over two intense therapy programs, and years of therapy - I still cannot remind myself enough - that my continued emotional dysregulation will ever get better...

I can self - soothe, and bring myself to the other side of an emotional storm - but when it happens over and over and over, and I find myself in patterns, and attempt to change those patterns - and that only leads to the same exact pattern just in a new way unbeknownst to me (at the time) I soon find out through more therapy - that everything I do, say, think and feel - is quite literally controlled by the need to fill my void inside...

It's frustrating - I've had the privilege of working with some highly talented therapists - whom genuinely have my best interests in mind - have given me the tools to continue moving forward - yet I cannot seem to get a handle on it when it comes time to do my part of the game...

Will this ever change?

Will I always be like this?

Will I ever get that feeling of satisfaction in a relationship with someone that I so desperately need, want and desire??

Things are definitely less intense this time around - but the whole experience happening 3.5 years later, again - in nearly the EXACT same way - brings out my hopelessness just a tad... Sure, I'm better off than some - but just how much **** can I deal with before finally saying SCREW it - I give up?

I look at the end of this 30 day program and I seriously consider going into inpatient 30 day psych ward hospitalization - because quite honestly - despite having all this time to reflect and gain awareness - it still doesn't change the fact that I am a miserable Borderline person - that everywhere I go I leave destruction in my own individualistic way (in accordance to the Borderline Personality modality) despite such high level of awareness....

Anyone got insight that could help me? Is it worth continuing on? Will I find whatever it is I am looking for? Or is it better just letting go of whatever it is that I so desperately seek?

If it's not possible to get something, why would I invest so much emotional, psychological effort into it... ?

Thanks