Thank you so much. I cannot tell you how badly I needed to hear all of that. I finally feel validated in my feelings and not like I am being over emotional or seeking attention, which a lot of people at home (family, friend) are making me feel like I am out to accomplish.

I think a reason a lot of my friends backed away from me is because of the fact that I can't be a typical 23 year old (my friends were 21-22). I can't go on random drinking binges, I can't stay up all night walking around and being reckless. That is how they see beauty in life, and that's fine. To each their own, I guess. It's just not a life I can live. I need to find some kind of beauty in stillness for a while so I can adjust to my body and then move from there. I don't care if I go slow, as long as I get a chance to go at all.

I am terrified about the job. I start on the 23 and it's a 5-11pm shift. My fevers typically spike around 5pm and break at 8 or 9. And they can range from 99.1f to 103.4. My highest last month was 104f, and the idea of working when I feel like that is making me sick to my stomach. I am applying for disability and not informing my family. I do not need to, I am an adult, but chances are my parents will want to control it and get annoyed that I applied even though I know it takes some Still's patients a year to get symptoms under control.

I am just sad. That is really it. I am sad that I am 23 and I already lost so much and now I am losing more and more. I don't want to wear this medical ID bracelet that screams "SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME" every where. I don't want to stay in bed all the time. But its what my body needs and I need to learn to listen.

It's just a new and frightening place.